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Alcohol Denial

"Alcohol Denial: minimizing how bad it is. "
copyright 2011, all rights reserved

by Toby Rice Drews
author of the "Getting Them Sober" books

www.GettingThemSober.com





One form of denial that we who are involved with alcoholics, do without knowing it often---------- is ''minimizing'' how bad the alcoholism really is.

And it is normal and natural that we would minimize how bad it is.... because we are understandably scared to tell ourselves (and others) that it's ''that bad'' ------------- because we're scared he'll die or leave us if he finds out that we're ''talking about him'' and saying he's really worse than what we or they had thought.

And, after all, when we not-minimize, and SEE how bad it really is-------doesn't it just make us more depressed about it?

so----------- Why go through the process of learning to not-minimize?

A.)) When we feel badly -----and minimize how badly they are acting (at the same time we feel so badly)------------ then the logic leads us to blaming ourselves.

For, if we feel so bad--------AND at the same time, we have minimized how terribly awful their actions are-------- we feel the need to find out just why we then feel so bad.

After all, there must be a reason for it.

So, if it's not 'his behavior'-------- it must be 'our fault'-----for we are being SO upset-------and he's "not really acting that badly!" (remember------we have told ourselves that he is really not acting that bad).

So------ what could the reason for our 'over-reaction' be??

Most of us will sub-consciously then look for reasons WHY "we are making SUCH a big fuss (inside ourselves) and exaggerating how badly he is acting" ........ for us to feel so bad inside.

So-------then we "work on ourselves" to "stop reacting so much when he really isn't acting so bad".

******* All this from that original false premise----------all from the minimizing that we are doing.

So-------- the result of our mindset (from this erroneous thinking) is (since in our minds, his behavior is not so bad)....... we revert to feeling even guiltier.......after all, look how angry we felt about his behavior.......and he didn't really even do much wrong!

So, we're feeling even guiltier than before...... and we 'join' him (in our minds) .....agree with him that we are 'picking at him'.....that we are guilty for being so angry at him.

B.)) When I am training therapists, I usually bring a chalkboard on stage, and draw a bell-curve.

At one end of the bell-curve, I write, "family disease of alcoholism". And a sentence that says, "the partner and the alcoholic both believe that the partner is to be blamed".

At the other end of the bell-curve, I write, "recovery". And a sentence that says, "the alcoholic consistently nurtures the family------and the partner enjoys the nurturing".

Family recovery stops our collusion with the alcoholic........ we stop agreeing with him that we are to be blamed for his alcoholism.....

So---------what's ''our part in it''?

Our 'part in it' is that we denied how bad his alcoholism really is. And that we believed that we're somehow to blame for his drinking.

One form of denial that we who are involved with alcoholics, do without knowing it often---------- is ''minimizing'' how bad the alcoholism really is.

And it is normal and natural that we would minimize how bad it is.... because we are understandably scared to tell ourselves (and others) that it's ''that bad'' ------------- because we're scared he'll die or leave us if he finds out that we're ''talking about him'' and saying he's really worse than what we or they had thought.

And, after all, when we not-minimize, and SEE how bad it really is-------doesn't it just make us more depressed about it?

so----------- Why go through the process of learning to not-minimize?

A.)) When we feel badly -----and minimize how badly they are acting (at the same time we feel so badly)------------ then the logic leads us to blaming ourselves.

For, if we feel so bad--------AND at the same time, we have minimized how terribly awful their actions are-------- we feel the need to find out just why we then feel so bad.

After all, there must be a reason for it.

So, if it's not 'his behavior'-------- it must be 'our fault'-----for we are being SO upset-------and he's "not really acting that badly!" (remember------we have told ourselves that he is really not acting that bad).

So------ what could the reason for our 'over-reaction' be??

Most of us will sub-consciously then look for reasons WHY "we are making SUCH a big fuss (inside ourselves) and exaggerating how badly he is acting" ........ for us to feel so bad inside.

So-------then we "work on ourselves" to "stop reacting so much when he really isn't acting so bad".

******* All this from that original false premise----------all from the minimizing that we are doing.

So-------- the result of our mindset (from this erroneous thinking) is (since in our minds, his behavior is not so bad)....... we revert to feeling even guiltier.......after all, look how angry we felt about his behavior.......and he didn't really even do much wrong!

So, we're feeling even guiltier than before...... and we 'join' him (in our minds) .....agree with him that we are 'picking at him'.....that we are guilty for being so angry at him.

B.)) When I am training therapists, I usually bring a chalkboard on stage, and draw a bell-curve.

At one end of the bell-curve, I write, "family disease of alcoholism". And a sentence that says, "the partner and the alcoholic both believe that the partner is to be blamed".

At the other end of the bell-curve, I write, "recovery". And a sentence that says, "the alcoholic consistently nurtures the family------and the partner enjoys the nurturing".

Family recovery stops our collusion with the alcoholic........ we stop agreeing with him that we are to be blamed for his alcoholism.....

So---------what's ''our part in it''?

Our 'part in it' is that we denied how bad his alcoholism really is. And that we believed that we're somehow to blame for his drinking.

One form of denial that we who are involved with alcoholics, do without knowing it often---------- is ''minimizing'' how bad the alcoholism really is.

And it is normal and natural that we would minimize how bad it is.... because we are understandably scared to tell ourselves (and others) that it's ''that bad'' ------------- because we're scared he'll die or leave us if he finds out that we're ''talking about him'' and saying he's really worse than what we or they had thought.

And, after all, when we not-minimize, and SEE how bad it really is-------doesn't it just make us more depressed about it?

so----------- Why go through the process of learning to not-minimize?

A.)) When we feel badly -----and minimize how badly they are acting (at the same time we feel so badly)------------ then the logic leads us to blaming ourselves.

For, if we feel so bad--------AND at the same time, we have minimized how terribly awful their actions are-------- we feel the need to find out just why we then feel so bad.

After all, there must be a reason for it.

So, if it's not 'his behavior'-------- it must be 'our fault'-----for we are being SO upset-------and he's "not really acting that badly!" (remember------we have told ourselves that he is really not acting that bad).

So------ what could the reason for our 'over-reaction' be??

Most of us will sub-consciously then look for reasons WHY "we are making SUCH a big fuss (inside ourselves) and exaggerating how badly he is acting" ........ for us to feel so bad inside.

So-------then we "work on ourselves" to "stop reacting so much when he really isn't acting so bad".

******* All this from that original false premise----------all from the minimizing that we are doing.

So-------- the result of our mindset (from this erroneous thinking) is (since in our minds, his behavior is not so bad)....... we revert to feeling even guiltier.......after all, look how angry we felt about his behavior.......and he didn't really even do much wrong!

So, we're feeling even guiltier than before...... and we 'join' him (in our minds) .....agree with him that we are 'picking at him'.....that we are guilty for being so angry at him.

B.)) When I am training therapists, I usually bring a chalkboard on stage, and draw a bell-curve.

At one end of the bell-curve, I write, "family disease of alcoholism". And a sentence that says, "the partner and the alcoholic both believe that the partner is to be blamed".

At the other end of the bell-curve, I write, "recovery". And a sentence that says, "the alcoholic consistently nurtures the family------and the partner enjoys the nurturing".

Family recovery stops our collusion with the alcoholic........ we stop agreeing with him that we are to be blamed for his alcoholism.....

So---------what's ''our part in it''?

Our 'part in it' is that we denied how bad his alcoholism really is. And that we believed that we're somehow to blame for his drinking.



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Phone: 410-243-8352 • Fax: 410-243-8558 • e-mail: tdrews3879@aol.com
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