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"Alcoholism and Lying: Lies we tell ourselves. "
by Toby Rice Drews
by Toby Rice Drews
We hear so much about "see what 'our part in it is'"..... when we're in marriage counseling with a drinking alcoholic spouse.
Well, when it comes to families of alcoholics------------ what IS "our part in it"?
1. "Our part in it" is often------
a. pretending to ourselves that "it is not as bad as it is" -----when we live with pedophiles, physical abuse, alcoholism, etc.
b. We tell ourselves, "the abuse is covert" ---when it is shocking and obvious to the rest of the world
c. We tell ourselves, "he'll not do it again"........... when we've been through it five times already.
d. We tell ourselves, "he'll get a job" ....... when he's in his fifties and has not worked in twenty years... and still is not looking for a job........ nothing is quite 'good enough for him'. Although he is 'very supportive' of YOUR working and paying the bills.
e. We tell ourselves, "he does his half" .......... when he just pays the utilities......and you pay the $2,000 mortgage, the car, the insurances, the food. Oh yeah, he brings in fast food once a week.... and we think, "Isn't this WONDERFUL?!"
f, He's the father of your four children. We say, "He's getting better!"...... he just did the dishes. He does not bring in more than 1/3 the income.
g. He's been married three times---that you know of. "But he has a van and a beard and he's so cute--------- and he goes to grad school!" ....... he's fifty-seven years old and has not worked in 15 years. He's paid no child-support....ever. He says his ex-wives "are all bit**es".
No-------- "your part" is not that you have done "half the awful stuff in the relationship".
"Your part" is that you TELL yourself that you "did half the awful stuff in the relationship".
"Your part in it" is telling self that it's not so bad....... i.e., minimizing the abuse, the alcoholism...... and telling self that he's wonderful when there are crumbs of goodness that occur less and less often.
"Our part in it" is usually telling self that what we do is never enough.....and that what he does is not so bad.
"Our part in it" is stretching and stretching and stretching ......to accomodate more and more garbage.
2. The 'silent majority' in A.A.......... the good guys......... when they get and stay sober, they inevitably say in meetings, that they cannot believe how inhumane it was that they blamed their wives. That their alcoholism caused at least 90% of all the problems, all those years.
And they usually told their wives, when they were still drinking, that the wives "were half the problem, so get off my back".
"What's good for the family is good for the alcoholic".
Think about that............. If you AND he stop blaming you, for his disease and his behavior-------- you stop getting trashed on---you stop believing that he has a sometimes-right to trash you--------and he has a better chance to stay sober.
Recovery Communications, Inc. • P.O. Box 19910 • Baltimore, MD 21211
Phone: 410-243-8352 • Fax: 410-243-8558 • e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
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