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"Brain Damage Alcoholism: The Toxic Brain. "
by Toby Rice Drews
by Toby Rice Drews
How not to get totally depressed when learning that almost all the time, the problem is not that a couple "doesn't have meaningful communications''......but that it's really a problem of the alcoholic partner's toxic brain that cannot make substantial relationship changes....
How to not get totally depressed by this?
1. What is the alternative? To continue to pursue believing that 'somehow it's got to be a 'relationship' answer.......... just makes one frustrated. It's like, "beating one's head against a brick wall."
And family members, who are un-treated-for-the-family-disease-of-alcoholism ------ repeat this "trying to get them to UNDERSTAND" over and over for years and years.
Often, with different family members taking turns, "you do it this time.....YOU talk to him! I"M done with him!"
And then------- the one who said, "I"M done with him!" ----- tries yet again.
And gets angry again-------------and "passes the banner to yet another family member, to "straighten him out".
2. Beginning to accept the facts of the diseased brain.......does this:
We finally KNOW, deep down, that we can stand on our heads, and recite passages from novels ...backwards... and it will still have the same effect.
We finally KNOW that it does not matter "How" we say it......... we finally are more at peace with just not answering a 'bottle' when it babbles junk to us....... we know it probably won't even remember this moment because of blackouts........ we know that we can pretend to listen, and 'tune out'........leave the room.......put on earphones........ all the 'detachment' ways.
And then we can have SOOO much more energy and TIME! to do things we enjoy ------with people we enjoy doing things with.
We stop sitting up all night, explaining to him.....................
We get SLEEP! br>
3. This all helps give us some peace inside........some clarity, then.... and we can then decide which option we want to do ........and we can decide to stay or leave ........or leave for a little while........or find a lifestyle that takes us away from "his mouth" for hours every day....... or whatever works for each of us.
Instead of the toxic brain problem that it is.
4. Now-----the paradox of all this is-------- the more we truly deep down understand that he has a brain disease of alcoholism-------the more we KNOW we can emotionally detach and give the disease's consequences back to him.........and then the more he has a chance to get sober!
(I wrote more about this in detail in the discussion thread on this bulletin board called "mini interventions'--------so I'll pull that back up and post it here).
***** As the "Getting Them Sober" books repeatedly say------ "getting detached from the effects of his/her alcoholism"----- getting a clinical distance from the disease ------ does not mean that one must stay with the alcoholic or leave the alcoholic.
Every alcoholic-----and every situation ----is different.
And every family member has a different "history" with that alcoholic-----and often, with former abusers.
Some alcoholics are better at "leaving you alone"-----not bothering the family members. They 'just' go live in the finished basement and get drunk and stay out of everyone's way, and don't spew forth any emotional abuse.
Other still-drinking alcoholics are in your face-----and never stop with following you around and verbal abuse. You just about have to live in the bathroom to get away from his mouth.
So----- to detach------ for some people means that to re-gain their sanity, they must (full- or part-time), leave the home.
Others can find a room in the house where he won't bother them.
Some alcoholics pass out early, and then there are hours for peace.
Some family members stay out til they know he's passed out. Then, they come home.
Try to not compare your situation to others......saying, "oh she left. Why can't I?" or------- "She stays and takes it. Why does it bother me more?"
We all have a different tolerance for what the PARTICULAR alcoholic you are with, gives out. (If "Jane" had a father who beat her arm, and if she married an alcoholic who threatens to hurt her arm, of course she will find it harder to 'detach' from her alcoholic----- than from her sister's alcoholic who doesn't do any verbal abuse. He's kind and "just drinks".)
***** But it's also important to remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease.......and even still-nice alcoholics get sicker.
The average male alcoholic in the U.S., dies 13 years earlier than do other males.
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