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THESE MILLION-SELLING BOOKS ARE ENDORSED BY 'DEAR ABBY', DR. NORMAN VINCENT PEALE,
AND MELODY BEATTIE (AUTHOR OF "CODEPENDENT NO MORE'')
The chapter titles in the "Getting Them Sober, Volume One" book are:
- No more taking the blame for someone else's drinking!
- Be gentle with yourself
- Don't worry about whether he's really an alcoholic
- Don't pour out the booze
- Learn to relax
- Don't be afraid of losing him because you're changing
- Stop arguing with him (it works!)
- Do one thing every day just for yourself
- Use tough love
- Don't ride with him when he's drunk
- Confront him!
- Walk away from abuse
- Accept yourself
- Don't believe "Drunk Is Fun!"
- Tell your families? Only if you want to!
- Mean what you say and say what you mean
- Deal with his arrogance!
- Don't change your address!
- Hide the car keys?
- You have the right to get sick too!
- Learn about blackouts
- Try to remember it's a disease
- Let the crises happen
- No more lying to his boss!
- Start to get help---- Even though he's the alcoholic
- Stay with him or leave him "Just for today"
- Break out of your isolation
- Stop asking permission!
- Act as if you love you
- Put him in the back of your mind
- Don't feel guilty when you're mad!
- Forget his bad mouth
- Don't say you're changing-----just do it
- Stop telling him how to get sober (don't talk to brick walls, either)
- Don't get scared when he threatens to drink
- Wipe out saying, "you've been drinking again!"
- Don't expect him to be sober
- Stop checking the bars
- Don't beg him to stay
- Don't be scared that he will leave if he gets well
- Getting Help
- Sex and alcoholism
- A Quick Test--- Are you an alcoholic?
- Reflection Guide
- Resource Directory
The Spanish version of the "Getting Them Sober, Volume 1" book - click to order
The chapter titles in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 2" book are:
- Your children
- Adult children of alcoholics
- What if you are separated and youralcoholic says he'll get help?
- What to expect from your spouse's sobriety
- His 'good stuff' is as hooking as his 'bad stuff'
- Carrying excited misery into your next relationship
- Being good to yourself is your quickest and best therapy
- How do I know if he's sincere this time about staying sober?
- If it's good for you--- it's good for him
- Verb-love versus noun-love
- Nothing makes you feel crazier than sexual games
- If your alcoholic spouse---or someone else---says you have a drinking and/or pill problem, too
- Could you be hiding behind your religion?
- Intervention: forcing the alcoholic to get sober
- Trust your gut feeling in working with professionals
- The alcoholic and the kids vs. "mean mommy"
- Praying for people you justifiably resent
- Dealing with irrational guilt
- Saying alcoholism is a disease goes deeper than we think
- You're not trapped
- From rage to pity---a trap
- Getting help
- If you and the alcoholic are separated and you cannot stop being afraidor angry
- Will counseling help a drinking alcoholic?
- Vacillation is okay--- you're not crazy
- If you're re-married to your second alcoholic, or you're re-married the same one, or you're dating a man with a drinking problem
The chapter titles in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 3" book are:
- Family "gang-up" against the non-alcoholic parent
- Is alcoholism a moral issue?
- If you are the adult child of an alcoholic, and are married to an alcoholic, don't compare your progress in treatment with those who had a "normal upbringing"
- When recovered alcoholics who need to go to Al-Anon hesitate to do so
- We attach so much importance to what he says and does
- For the man involved with a woman alcoholic
- If you're bored by nice men, or if you're "just going with" an alcoholic
- If you're a helping professional who has clients who are alcoholic, new in treatment, and married to a still-drinking alcoholic
- Dealing with your alcoholic child when your spouse also has a drinking problem
- From 'pity to punish'
- "Why do I have to go to Al-Anon? I know what to do now!"
- More on detachment
- The alcoholic is so very predictable
- Interviews with experts
- Detailed list of the 350 secondary diseases/disorders to alcoholism
The chapter titles from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book are:
- Everybody blames the family
- Don't try to make sense out of their nonsense
- Knowing that it's hard to lose an alcoholic, helps us to calm down and keep us on the recovery path
- The irregular behavior of the alcoholic keeps us attached
- The alcoholic does not exist separately from the alcoholism
- Excited misery keeps us attached to the alcoholic
- Our need to caretake keeps us attached to the alcoholic
- Facing our illusions ends their power to hurt us
- Quick ways to detach
- "I had to stop 'being so strong' so I could get the help I needed"
- Remember the facts
- It's YOUR decision whether or not to separate---- it's not your counselor's decision
- Courage to change the things we can
- "I was able to decide to leave, even though he was sober and I was physically ill"
- Share your story with discretion
- What are examples of crazymaking that counselors should inherently know in order for us to trust their advice-giving?
- "How counseling helped me decide"
- "But he looks so good since we're separated. Maybe he's not an alcoholic?"
- "But he's drinking less since we're separated. Can he be getting better?"
- "I can't stop being angry with him!"
- "When I see my alcoholic husband and he's nice to me, I get upset!"
- "I can't forgive him"
- "My denial, my compassion, and my guilt pulled me down into it with him, again"
- "I've dropped the divorce proceedings six times, now"
- "I feel guilty because I think I didn't do enough to make him want to be sober"
- "I left a sober alcoholic"
- "If I give up obsession, do I have to give up hope?"
- "How can I help him after we're separated?"
- What are the real problems about dating again?
- Answering your legal questions about alcoholism, divorce, children, and court-ordered evaluations
The chapter titles in the "Get Rid of Anxiety and Stress" book are:
- Your nervous system
- Hysterical personality
- Living with exacerbating problems
- Was your parent an alcoholic? a batterer? a schizophrenic?
- Surgery after surgery
- Crazy-making spouses
- Mercurial personality
- Suppressed rage
- Paranoid thoughts
- Agoraphobia and other phobias
- Choosing a nurturing partner
- Keep it simple
- Helping groups
- Biofeedback and relaxation
- Work it down
- Keep 50% of yourself out of other people, places, and situations
- Slippery places
- Forgive yourself
- Trust yourself
- See others as emotionally "right-sized"
- Accept death
- Take steps before you are ready
- Be good to yourself
- Avoid excited misery
- Help others
- There's no bad way to get serenity
- Creativity--- a double-edged sword
- This, too, will pass
- Building up to an anxiety attack
- Do you think you're different?
- Beyond survival
- Getting help
- Suggested readings
The chapter titles in the "Sex and the Sober Alcoholic" book are:
- Is sober-sex terrifying?
- Sex and "games" and recovery
- Adult children of alcoholics--- guilt, shame, abuse, and isolation
- Adult daughters of alcoholics and the mistress-compulsion
- Replacing the excitement of sickness
- AIDS: Families of alcoholics --- hidden-high-risk group?
- Notes to family counselors and their clients
The chapter titles in the "Getting Your Children Sober" book are:
- Three parents tell their stories
- Is it "just a phase"?
- Parents are not guilty---the genetic facts about alcoholism
- Why most therapies haven't been able to help
- Suicide, therapy, and other teen issues: young A.A. members anonymously tell their stories
- Tough love is too tough for most of us with our children---- how professionals can help do the intervention for you
- During treatment and after----- the recovery process continues
- If your child is also mentally-ill
- Caught in the middle-----when adult children of alcoholics are also parents of alcoholic children
- Alcoholic 'games'----when your alcoholic ex-spouse adds to your troubles
- Surrounded by alcoholism---- if your spouse AND children are alcoholic
- Recovering alcoholics deal with their children's alcoholism
- No need for shame----- if your child is violent
EXCERPTS FROM THE BOOKS
"When a family member rescues the alcoholic, and I
label her "an enabler", she obviously is still doing the rescuing
behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows that
I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly,
I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing
at that time. And she feels despairing, because she IS doing her best.
She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops
"More specifically, the term "enabler" implies that while the family
member did not CAUSE the drinking, their rescue operations CONTRIBUTED
to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it
leads alcoholics, who are ALREADY looking for a way to blame others for
the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the
"Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism
counselors spend much of their time trying to crack through the
blame-systems of alcoholics. It is considered to be a major
breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to
acknowledge that NOTHING "got them drunk". In contrast, alcoholics who
have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard
saying, "I wouldn't have gone out that time if I hadn't been enabled!"
Instead of calling families "enablers", try saying "rescuers"------the
connotation is much kinder....... the family member will stay around and
not run away in shame if "called a rescuer".
We did not 'enable' the disease----we rescued the ones we
loved..........And the rescuing stops when the family member is gently
taught about alcoholism and how it works......and how to stop fearing
the alcoholic's behavior.
When we lose our fears of "losing them"------we can so much more easily
stop the rescuing.
The maddening fact in the alcoholic family is that the
spouse seems so vulnerable to the alcoholic's threats, and the alcoholic
seems so invulnerable to hers. Most of the threats seem to get down to
this basic one: abandonment combined with humiliation.
You can stay; you can leave; you can go back; you can leave again;
you can do anything that truly makes you and your children feel safe and
comfortable. You have that right. If you can get calm in your home,
fine; if you can't, fine. Very few people could stay sane in your home.
You are not a failure.
"....we're here on earth, yes, to serve others......but
we're not meant to be the main course!'"
"She came home and found him with a drinking-buddy
woman in their bed. She "threw a fit" and threw them both out. She got
another apartment, then, and moved most of the furniture into it.
"When she told her therapist about taking the furniture, she looked
nervous and said, "Honest, I deserved it. I worked, too!"
How many times do we feel we have to justify our acts of dignity?"
Alcoholism very often is the one factor that pushes a
"tendency" to have a disease over the edge-- into a full-blown
"The effects of alcoholic drinking are so powerful -- one is in such a
chronic toxic state -- it cancels benefits of proper vitamins, jogging,
and nutrition. A very watchful-of-his-diet alcoholic just slightly slows
"It's not what gets into your gut that counts; it's what gets into your
bloodstream. Your liver, etc., is constantly fighting to survive the
chronic toxic attacks. Also, the cells cannot properly process their own
waste materials, and they, therefore, are awash in their own toxins.
Nutritional supplements have a VERY slight effect on this.
"Alcoholism SERIOUSLY interferes with EVERY stage of absorption,
conversation, and utilization of nutritional materials.
"So, the entire body is really toxic AND malnourished -- therefore, it
is less able to ward off these diseases. The liver swells, to try to
contain the toxins, so that they don't spread to the rest of the body.
The liver is the major organ that has the job of controlling and
converting toxins to waste materials. A liver that is THAT polluted
doesn't have the capacity to do much else, i.e., its normal work, in
getting rid of toxins, in warding off diseases."