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"Learning to Date, No is a complete sentence! "
by Toby Rice Drews
by Toby Rice Drews
If you are dating again.......
a.) and if your history has been akin to volunteering to give up your seat on the lifeboat, on the Titanic------- and give it up to a charming, abusive Titanic worker ------ a suggestion might be to---
Start A Kennel.
Put your 'taking care of them energy' there, instead.
(Sometimes, when we have a lifelong pattern of excessive caretaking ------- it's easier to just move our caretaking energies -- than to lessen them. Moving that energy to those who won't spit in our faces after we've cared for them, is a big positive step in family recovery.)
b.) When you come across another charming cad-------- don't listen to what he says----listen to what he does.
c.) And you don't have to 'explain' if you want to end the dating.
"No" is a complete sentence.
(HOW many times have we 'explained' and 'explained' and 'explained' when we want to say 'no'?! So often, we 'explain and explain'-----for the real purpose of hoping we get permission from that person to agree with our choice for us.)
c.) People are always asking me, "how do I let him know I don't want to hear from him?"
If you have to ask that--------you probably do not want to stop hearing from him. When we REALLY are ready to stop hearing from them---- we know what to do. We then do what all people do who don't want to hear from them. We change our phone numbers to unlisted ones, etc. We do not respond at all, to phone calls, emails, etc. (Responding just gets across the message that you do, indeed, want to engage with that person.) When we divorce, we let lawyers talk to lawyers. Getting involved verbally, once again, with them, usually leads only to promises, threats, etc.
d.) NONE of this is easy to do. All of it is very very difficult. There's a sentence in the A.A. Big Book that says something like, 'changing xxxx is like bending forged steel'.
Changing family-of-alcoholic behavior IS like bending forged steel. It usually takes months of family recovery to begin to see substantial results........ and it's not a 'straight line' process. It's, as they say, 4 steps forward... 2 steps back...7 steps forward...5 steps back....etc.
When stockbrokers watch a progress chart of a particular stock, and see that it is a good stock------- basically gaining in value------ they do not "chastise" the stock's progress when they see "blips" on the chart that indicate it "went backwards" at times.
They EXPECT "blips".
"Blips" are part and parcel of progress forward......... Without 'blips', there is no progress forward. ........ love to all in recovery, Toby
Recovery Communications, Inc. • P.O. Box 19910 • Baltimore, MD 21211
Phone: 410-243-8352 • Fax: 410-243-8558 • e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
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