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RECOVERY
TIP OF THE MONTH
All the following 'Recovery Tips of the Month' are copyrighted by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books |
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(all recovery tips of the month are copyrighted, but you may print them out and make copies and give them away freely -- as long as:
a.) no changes at all are made
b.) you keep the section attached that shows that they come from this website
c.) they are not used in any commercial enterprises or for any commercial purpose.)
This is an excerpt from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book ----- "She came home and found him with a drinking-buddy woman in their bed. She "threw a fit" and threw them both out. She got another apartment, then, and moved most of the furniture into it.
"When she told her therapist about taking the furniture, she looked nervous and said, "Honest, I deserved it. I worked, too!" How many times do we feel we have to justify our acts of dignity?"
* * * * * *
* * *
I excerpted this because we families of alcoholics so often don't even realize that we are feeling so bad about ourselves that we feel we have to justify taking even the tiniest action "against" the alcoholic after we've been so beaten down.
When the alcoholic is violent, we say, "he only pushed me".
When the alcoholic is violent, we say, "honest, he didn't have a reason to do that -- I was only being upset at his not showing up at our baby's Christening!"
AS IF HE HAS ANY RIGHT AT ALL TO BE SHOVING, PUSHING, HITTING, OR THREATENING ANY VIOLENCE IN ANY WAY, INCLUDING THE IMPLIED THREATS TO PERSONS ----- i.e., when he says that he'd "never hit you" but he threatens to "tear off the refrigerator door".
One then constantly lives with the fear of "when will he go beyond what he 'promised' and go after me or the children -- even though he says he never will?"
Sometimes, it helps to say what is going on to a person who has never lived with this junk.
It is wonderful and quite an eye-opener to see their expressions of shock when they hear us relate what the alcoholic did and how we responded----- and then hear us tell them that "we really did have the right to be upset!" The people who have never learned to adapt to abuse are understandably MORE shocked to hear us relate how we feel we need to justify having the right to get upset!
They cannot EVEN IMAGINE blaming themselves for ANY reaction they may have if someone was even HINTING AT being violent with them.
If the alcoholic who is recently not-drinking and is attending A.A. meetings, admonishes you for "not trusting him or her" when they are finally sober and you are questioning whether it is really true---- or smelling their breath ------ or "looking at them suspiciously" when they are late coming home ------ this may help:
a.) let them know that you may trust them, but you do not trust their disease
b.) it takes a long time to trust that someone will finally stay sober (the co-founder of Al-Anon in Baltimore told me that it took her a full year before she could even sit next to her husband on the sofa after he not only joined A.A., but he loved meetings and the program so much that he went full-steam into it)
c.) a good analogy is this ------- if you ever rescue a dog who was abused, no matter how much you love it, you may find that it does not respond with trusting you for about a year....... that happened when I adopted my dog. I asked the wonderful vet who took care of her why this was, and he said that it takes a full year to get past the trauma and to start to be trusting again. When my dog would see me pick up the phone to make a call, she would flinch, for a full year. (Someone must have hit her with a phone before.) Families of alcoholics also have this "flinch" syndrome........ we naturally flinch for at least a year even if they get sober ----- this is natural, when someone we love came home drunk so often, over years. Give families time, for goodness sake, to believe it will last this time! How many broken promises were there, anyway?
d.) Read the A.A. Big Book------ in it, it tells the recovering alcoholic that they shouldn't expect, after the alcoholic acted like "a tornado that runs through the family", that the wife will just be happy if you say to her, "look ma, the storm's over! Ain't it grand?!"....... no, the Big Book says that it takes a LONG PERIOD of reconstruction ahead and that the alcoholic will need to make a lot of amends to the family to repair the damage. And part of that damage is the trust that was almost totally destroyed.
e.) only talk about (or act on) any of the above ideas (or anything on this website) if it is physically safe for you and your children.
When you experience that awful irrational guilt when saying "no" to gift-giving to active alcoholics/addicts or to anyone who mistreats you, here are some ideas to consider -----
a.) it does not have to be an "all or nothing" thing..... if you know, in your heart, in your gut, that it is best for your recovery to not go "to the limit" (either money-wise and/or in time spent looking for the "perfect gift") ---- then, it can just be "less" this year
b.) EXPECT the guilt!......Just knowing that the irrational guilt will kick in-- somehow greatly lessens its impact. Expect it // know it will come.
c.) Know that the irrational guilt IS PART OF THE PROCESS of the family disease of alcoholism "talking to us" ---- that, too, helps to tone its impact way down.
d.) This irrational guilt tries to "guilt-us" back into that vicious cycle of "from pity to punish". (Here's how that works ------ We are angry that they have not gotten sober or clean // we decide to not them get gifts// we feel guilty because "it is Christmas" // we pity them; i.e., we remember that they are alcoholic and then feel sorry for them because they are so sick, so we "make up" for our "bad thoughts towards them" by giving them really lovely things // they are happy for a little bit // then they revert to the behavior of their active disease and are rotten again to us (maybe even while wearing the gifts we gave them!) // we get really angry again because we "rose above it all" and were kind and gave them gifts and they spit on us again // and the roller-coaster continues.
e.) When the irrational guilt hits and tries to make you go "all out" and give so much to people who will like it for awhile and then be awful to you again shortly afterwards ----- just say "hi, guilt! Thought you'd be coming!...... well, you just go sit in the corner where you belong until you are ready to go back to the mole-world where you belong!" And go about your business. Each time it tries to raise its ugly head, talk to it, make it seem quite silly, quite useless, and let it know that YOU KNOW it is part of the disease and CANNOT DISGUISE ITSELF ANYMORE AS A VIRTUE!
f.) Try to allow your program of recovery to continue ITS process even during gift-giving season. After all, the DISEASE PROCESS will continue during Christmas! So, try to allow your recovery program to be there for you, too ---- it's your precious gift to yourself ---- and to your children.
g.) Re-read the "holidays and vacations" section of this website for more ideas.
h.) What's good for the family is good for the alcoholic -- best in recovery to all, Toby
September, 2002, recovery tip of the month
It was about 1984 that I first started noticing the subtle and not-so-subtle attacks on the spouses of alcoholics in some of the literature about alcoholism and the family.
a.) The first launch on the families in some of the literature
started calling the families "enablers" instead of "rescuers".
(think of the difference in connotation----- the first term has the "feel"
of a deliberate act of helping the alcoholic to stay drunk---- the second
has a much more gentle "feel" of a family member who is loving
and well-meaning but who is using ineffective means to help.)
b.)Then, it got a bit worse -- the spouse of the alcoholic started being
called The Chief Enabler..... the connotation there needs almost no explanation.
It screams of an almost planned deliberate plan of action to keep the
alcoholic sick.
c.) Then, towards the end of the 1980's, there appeared a few articles
in journals that claimed that Al-Anon was really only a place for spouses
of alcoholics who were basically hopeless......hopelessly attached to
the alcoholic and not strong enough to be one of those majority of stronger
wives of alcoholics who COULD break away. Around that time, I started
receiving hundreds of phone calls from families about these very questions
------ families whose heads were spinning from not knowing what to do
when they were confronted by counselors they just met who insisted that
they leave decades-long marriages because (they were told) they
were either "enablers" or "too codependent". They
were told that if they tried to help their spouses, they were "enablers".
If they wanted to stay in their marriages, they were "too codependent".
(Around that time, I read an article in the Baltimore Sunpapers about
a reporter who watched a film, along with family members, at a local treatment
center, entitled "the enablers" ------and the reporter watched
the families' angry faces after the film was over. The reporter asked
the families, why
are you so angry? One woman put it so well------- "If we're helping,
we're enablers; if we're angry, we're b**ches. When do we win?!"
What is very difficult to get some people to understand
is, is that this disease of alcoholism ----- this crazymaking, emotionally
abusive behavior of the drinking alcoholic ------ is so terrifying to
the family, and yet is, at the same time, so cunningly hooking in its
way of going from soul-destruction of the family to making the family
feel so special, so close -- and back-and-forth and back-and-forth -------
that the result is that the family is so turned on its head and confused
and winds up so lacking in self-trust and self-worth that it halfway believes
that it will literally fall apart without that alcoholic. (I go more into
this in the chapter called "the
irregular behavior of the alcoholic keeps us attached" in the book,
"Getting Them Sober, volume 4". This resultant hooking-attachment
that occurs is SO strong that it baffles even counselors at battered
women's shelters. There is often a huge turnover in personnel at those
shelters because they feel so frustrated at why these women go back
to abusers.
What is not understood is that when counselors keep asking, "WHY do you stay?!" -- it only adds shame. Shame because the spouse of course knows that "taking it" is awful-----but she cannot leave. And shame does not make one be able to leave the marriage...... it only means she'll leave the counseling. And what the simplistic admonition to "leave the codependent relationship" also does not take into account is what Al-Anon, that God-given program, has always known------ that many marriages that seemed awful can be saved when one person changes. It does not always take two. One person changing his or her behavior can change the entire outlook of the family.
There seems to be two diametrically-opposed "poles" out there, now --- two theoretical concepts that still keep drumming on the families of alcoholics ---- specifically on the spouses -----
a.) that if one is "strong", one does not stay with someone who is emotionally abusive
b.) that if one is truly Christian, one stays with your spouse..... learns communications skills, learns the marriage skills based on true religion that will work to make the marriage successful. When I wrote the first volume of "Getting Them Sober" in the late 1970's that was later published in 1980, I wrote this in the introduction: "This book won't tell you, perhaps like a well-meaning friend might do, to "throw the bum out". Only you know what you can live with and what you cannot live with. On the other hand, I know you don't need any more outsiders telling you to "stop attacking the poor guy"."
Not much has changed, has it?
The point is, what DOES work in helping families of alcoholics to heal is to accept them EXACTLY where they are....... not play God and tell them they should leave OR stay in marriages...... assume they are adults and have the God-given right and dignity to make their own decisions.... and gently help them untangle the huge ball of tangled string of issues at their own pace, in their own time.
Very few people "move" out of any dysfunctional situation if they are shamed for staying. And constantly telling someone that they shouldn't "be taking it anymore" is an IMPLIED shaming. What DOES work? When I am counseling, I stress --
a.) you must, to the best of your ability, not minimize what is going on.
b.) you must, to the best of your ability, not shame yourself for not being able to move in any direction, take any steps, as quickly as you think you should -- or even at all.
c.) you must at least try Al-Anon for 8 meetings..... precisely because it is a spiritual program, when we start to say no to the littlest thing where we did not do so before, an irrational unconscious guilt sets in and that guilt is a real kicker! What saying no even a little bit does to MOST of us spouses of alcoholics is set off guilt ------ so then we try to "make up to the alcoholic" for "being so mean" as to say no, for the first time. We usually do not even know we are having this reaction-response --- we think we are punishing them when we start to say "no" with even a smidgeon of anger in our voices. But when we find a Higher Power that is gentle with us, we get a kind of spiritual "permission" to say no to those things that we used to put up with. Why is that important? Because most of us families of alcoholics have been so beaten down that we need that spiritual permission to allow us to feel like we have the right to ANY dignity without guilt.
d.) When we allow ourselves the TOTAL freedom to stay OR to leave, we then don't feel scared to look at what is really going on...... there's no pressure..... there's no shame........ we're not frozen with terror, just thinking about "having to leave". We know that we have the right to stay or leave or stay and leave and stay
and leave again.......... and when we know that no one is making us feel ashamed or wrong for staying, and if we stay honest with ourselves about the situation, we heal much quicker!
e.) And as Al-Anon so wisely knows------ there are a lot of us who will become emotionally stronger IN that marriage and that strengthening may very well create a dynamic that can eventually result in a total healing of the family. But we cannot discover what is TRULY an authentic choice for ourselves unless we listen to only our inner voices, in our own time, in our own way. Years ago, in my counseling practice, I worked closely with Dr. Max Weisman....many of you will remember his name. He died a few years ago.... he was a real pioneer in this field, a psychiatrist who, decades ago, started a subcommittee on alcoholism in the American Medical Association. He spent summers in Russia and Eastern Europe, training other psychiatrists on how to adapt the 12-step programs in their countries that were essentially atheist in philosophy.... and he succeeded in helping them make that bridge for healing.I remember him telling me that this field was the only one that he knew of that produced counselors who had the arrogance to tell people that they should break up their marriages. For about twenty years, now, there have been groups that have decried Al-Anon for spawning severe codependence...... and they have gotten followers. For the most part, these followers have been folks who, when you meet them, seem to be pretty strong people. But many of them only became strong after years in gentle groups like Al-Anon, that accepted them for what they were, that offered nothing but kindness and non-shaming help........ and I wonder if most of these now-strong people could have gotten to where they are now, if they had been made to feel so shamed "for staying in an emotionally abusive marriage" when they first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon -- terrified and unable to make a move?One also hears from these groups that decry Al-Anon, that Al-Anon "is good for awhile, but it keeps people in codependent dead-end marriages". What they are saying is that after a while----- say, after a year or two----- one "should be able to get on with one's life" and leave a marriage where the alcoholic is still drinking.
This is just another variation on the same theme as I spoke of above, but this time, allows the spouse of the alcoholic a little slack -------- allows her/him to have a little time to "be codependent" and then says to her/him, "ok, get on with it..... time to leave".
f.) In my thirty-plus years of working in this field, training counselors, counseling families, I have found that helping families pull apart that big ball of wax of tangled threads----- the threads that are the lies the disease has made us believe ----- and helping the families see them in the light of day ------- helps to actually MELT the fears of the families..... and when those fears are melted........ and when, at the same time, I do not shame them and terrorize them into thinking that they must make moves that they either are not ready for OR THAT THEY SHOULD PROBABLY NOT EVER DO BECAUSE IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THEM FOR SOME REASON THAT I DON'T KNOW AND THAT THEY PROBABLY DO NOT KNOW AT THE TIME I AM COUNSELING THEM ----------- only then do they relax enough to trust enough to "turn it over" and learn, INTERNALLY, what is good for them.----- I hope this helps...... best to all in recovery,
August,
2002, Recovery Tip of the Month
from Toby Rice Drews, author, "Getting Them Sober" books
And if we have lived with alcoholism for any amount of
time in our lives, we have this pattern:
When we talk it over with another friend about it ---
----------- best to all in recovery, Tobya.) we find ourselves explaining in great detail how we think we have the right to tell that alcoholic not to behave that way with us
b.) we find ourselves "giving the alcoholic another chance"! (Remember, we just met this jerk in a class we are taking!)
c.) we ask for feedback from friends to see "if we should make him leave the house if we invite the group over and he acts up again"
d.) it doesn't even occur to us that people who did not grow up with abuse//addiction//alcoholism in the family ----- have an unconscious "one strike and you're out" philosophy they live by ------ i.e., if a person comes over and it turns out that he's an emotionally abusive person -- he is asked to leave and THAT'S THAT! No more thinking about it for a moment........ AND IF ANYONE SHOULD EVEN THINK OF SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE MAYBE GIVEN HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, YOU LOOK AT THAT PERSON LIKE THEY ARE OUT OF THEIR MINDS.
YOU DON'T EVEN ARGUE WITH THEM.
WHAT'S THERE TO ARGUE ABOUT?! IT'S A CRAZY IDEA TO EVEN GIVE A MOMENT'S CONSIDERATION TO LETTING THAT PERSON BACK INTO YOUR LIFE.
YOU PUT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND AND GO ON.
IT NEVER BOTHERS YOU.
IT DOES NOT NAG AT YOU LATER THAT "MAYBE YOU DIDN'T DO ENOUGH".
THAT KIND OF ALCOHOLIC-FAMILY THINKING IS NOT EVEN IN YOUR VOCABULARY.
from Toby Rice Drews, author, "Getting Them Sober" books
These suggestions might very well help -------
a.) when you repeatedly respond with fear (even when you are the only one who knows it) in a present situation that does not logically call for that kind of intense fear ---- instead of the usual beating yourself up for it, stroke your forearm with your other hand, and say to yourself, lovingly, "This is so nice that you are yourself. And God danced the day you were born. And He is just so SO happy that you are you."
b.) when you make a 'silly' mistake that does not injure others, but makes you feel not good about yourself ------- hug yourself and say, "well, isn't that nice that you made a mistake again?! How wonderful! How very very wonderful!" ------- love in recovery to all, Toby
June,
2002, Recovery Tip of the Month
from Toby Rice Drews, author, "Getting Them Sober" books
Most people in early recovery have still to learn that they CAN 'stand the pain'..... as a matter of fact, what they must learn to internalize, in order to stay sober, is that they CAN "sit still and hurt" through any kind of pain.... AND THAT IT WILL PASS!
But there is another piece as to why most people in early recovery (early recovery is wisely defined by the oldtimers in A.A. as the first 3 to 5 years of sobriety) do not believe that the damage that their disease has done has had much effect on others: They usually partly DO believe it was a limited damage because they don't remember much of it at all ---- because of blackouts.
Now, why is this damaging to the alcoholic and to the family .... this not-remembering?
Along those lines -- in the last week or so, on the discussion bulletin board on this website, there was a posting that still haunts me: A woman posted that her alcoholic husband, when in blackouts, walks into her adult child's bedroom and urinates on the bed. She asked if others have experienced this.
Another posting stated -----that her husband, too, had been urinating (again, in a blackout) on the corner of their infant's crib for years, and she stated, "thank goodness that our child is now six years old and I don't have to worry so much anymore." (I took it that the child now awakens and can get out of the way, as opposed to the mom needing to constantly watch to see if her husband sometimes misses and hits the infant in the face, and maybe would seriously hurt the infant.)
(Now, many of you probably are wondering why she "let it go on".... that is a separate question..... the question of "why do we stay?"...... and the brief answer is we are often too terrified to leave..... too scared of "losing him".... and it does NO good to chastise the spouse for staying.... that only adds to shame and makes her run from getting help...... People leave when and if they are ready to -- and if they do, it is when they have basically either lost the fear of the alcoholic or the violence scares them more than being alone scares them. (There's a lot more on this subject in "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book in the chapter called, "It's YOUR decision whether or not to separate -- it's not your counselor's decision").
But back to the newly-sober alcoholic who would prefer (understandably) to think that the damage to the family was little or nil:
a.) since so much was probably done in a blackout, it is very helpful to find out the facts (in a moment when both partners are feeling ok together) by asking the partner about "what happened over the years"....... and making a list you can refer to.
b.) WHY would the newly-sober person even want to do this? For a very selfish reason ----- to help him/her realize the extent of what this disease can do...... because usually, in early sobriety, one of the reasons that relapse is such a danger is because one can so very easily slip into thinking "it was just a little drinking problem" AND NOT EVEN KNOW THAT ONE IS THINKING THAT.
One often, at that time, thinks that because the DISEASE WANTS YOU TO MINIMIZE THE EXTENT OF THE DAMAGE, SO THAT YOU DRINK AGAIN.
And one often thinks, at that time, that since your life is again 'doing well' and life seems "manageable" ..... that going to A.A. meetings is 'a part' of your life, now..... in its place.... and does not have to be of primary importance.
This disease loves to get people to feel that "whew..... I can get on with my life now ...... I am SO busy..... I can get by on a couple of meetings a week (then it will be one meeting a week in my 3rd year of sobriety and a meeting every 10 days in my 4th year........etc etc etc)...... and then, after 5 years, I'll not need any...... oh, I'll stay in touch with A.A. people........ I'll "work my program"...... "
This disease is very patient.
SO----- what does this have to do with the subject at hand? How does knowing the full extent of the damage the disease has done, help one to stay sober?
By realizing how very very powerless one has been over this disease..... by hearing all the daily, weekly, monthly actions one has done....... that one cannot usually remember at all..... one can begin to realize how awfully much this disease has PERMEATED one's body, mind, and soul...... i.e., HOW MUCH IT HAD YOU.
Internalizing how much it had you------- that alone, and writing it all down to be able to refer to it....... can be "very sobering"........ can help you when your mind tells you at some time in the future, "it wasn't that bad".....
c. And of course, listening to the family tell you the facts of your behaviors will help SO much to validate them...... to help heal them..... and help heal your relationships with them.
Even if the two of you do not want to stay married, this is an important step to help you -------- learning to face the immediate pain of hearing the facts, in exchange for the long-term gain of a more solid sobriety ----- this helps heal the old drinking-mode thinking of "wanting short-term gratification" and be able to go for a mature long-term gratification mode, and this so much will help one stay more comfortably sober.
And even if you and your spouse do not like one another at all anymore..... it is very important to let your children know that you want them to tell you what you did when drinking, so that it "gets out" and so your children do not "keep it in"..... because "keeping it in" sets them up to unconsciously repeat old dysfunctional behaviors when they grow up..... and you will of course want to help them heal and not have to go through it all again. This is tough.... but this is love. And your children will know that you are doing this because you love them.
from Toby Rice Drews, author, "Getting Them Sober" books
"More on the snake fable that was described in the
April, 2002, recovery tip of the month" --------
What if we know that the snake is a snake, and we know the consequences
of bringing him in, and we still bring him in?
Many of us do that because we make a decision that, for now, the stress
of living with the snake is less than the stress of saying no..... And
I
emphasize "for now".
Because when a person is going to recovery and/or counseling and on
the path of recovery, we all get better, in our own pace, in our own
time, and we often make different decisions about all kinds of things
as we progress in recovery.
And almost all of us, when we reach that place (and we all know when
that happens) where the balance has changed ------- when the stress
of living with active alcoholism in another person is worse than the
stress of being without that person ------ then we often re-look at
our original decision.
And many of us then still decide to stay.
Because other factors come into play.
And please don't look at other people who seem to be "stronger"
than you
because they have left. Many times, their 'strength' is merely that
they
live with a different kind of alcoholic (one that is easier for them
to live
with).
Or their financial situation is easier than yours. Or they had a family
that backed them emotionally. Or their grown kids helped them over the
hump of leaving. Or a multitude of factors that you could not see can
be at play here.
No one is "stronger" because they left nor "stronger"
because they stayed.
April, 2002, Recovery Tip of the Month
My father died from alcoholism when I was 12 years old.
My parents were separated, and I would visit my father on weekends.
I was his youngest, his "little one" he would take everywhere, and
he did his best to be a good father. But weeks before he died from
advanced stages of this disease, he cried and cried, begging me to
"help him... to not let him die". It was awful and I cried with him,
begging him to "not die". And then he died. One of the most difficult
aspects of my own recovery, as an adult, has been to find the ability
to let go of knee-jerk guilt when someone needs me whom I know is
beyond my help.
Here are two of the ways I have been helped at different times, when
I have wanted to help people who were not-help-able -- or who were
so very not-good for me, that I could not even entertain the idea
of trying to help them ------
a.) Reminding myself that this pattern of mine has been one of "over-scrupulousness".....
and instead of being in the "helping mode".... this mind-set I would
hold on to when I could not really help the other person, is more
like "gnawing on a dry bone"..... i.e., useless.
b.) Remembering the "snake fable"..... Here is the fable: A woman
was walking in the frigid woods in winter. She came across a frozen
snake. She felt sorry for it, and brought it home and wrapped it in
a blanket. It began to thaw. It stretched and smiled at her. She fed
it warm milk. It totally thawed out..... thanked her.....and then
bit her! She was not only physically hurt, but emotionally hurt. She
cried out to the snake, "Why did you do this to me -- me who helped
you?" And it answered her, "You knew I was a snake when you brought
me in!"
March, 2002, Recovery
Tip of the Month
from Toby Rice Drews, author, "Getting Them Sober" books
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO "WORK YOUR FAMILY RECOVERY PROGRAM"
and TRYING VERY HARD TO DETACH FROM THE DISEASE and TRYING TO STAY
IN THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DRINKING-ALCOHOLIC SPOUSE -- but YOU
DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO SO BECAUSE HE/SHE IS SO VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO
YOU, SO OFTEN --------
There is nothing in 12-step family-recovery programs that says one
must stay or one must leave, but there is often pressure from some
ministers or therapists or family or in-laws that says loud and clear
to you, either "Get out!" or "Make your marriage work!"
But most of us get married to stay married, so we try and we try and
we try. And there is something about people who marry alcoholics --
most of us are so very loyal -- we'd be the kinds of people to volunteer
to go down with the Titanic.... or beat ourselves up for decades afterwards
if we survived, asking, "DID I do enough?!"
And what makes it worse for us -- often more than many other variables
-- is something that we are usually not even aware of when we are
going through the mental gyrations about it. And that is this -- we
compare our recovery path to the recovery path of others.
For instance, Sue, Carol, and Jane (fictitious names) are in Al-Anon.
Sue is 34, a CPA, has one child in school, and parents who are very
supportive in every way. Carol is 46 years old, has 2 kids in college;
she's an operating-room nurse. They are both in Al-Anon and therapy
for several years, and both have decided to leave their spouses.
Jane is 63 years old, has never worked outside the home, has one child
living 3,000 miles away who left home many years ago, who hates Jane's
alcoholic husband and is disgusted with Jane for "putting up with
it". Jane's husband has never hit her, but has verbally-abusive outbursts
several times a week. Jane has been going to Al-Anon 4 months.
She's learned to detach -- to emotionally and/or physically remove
herself from the situation when he acts up -- a little bit since she's
been in recovery. She can't imagine staying in the marriage long enough
to learn to detach enough to stay with her spouse. She can't imagine
how it will make a difference, even if she internalizes the process
by which this recovery process work. She just thinks her husband is
hopeless and even if she gets better, she figures that he won't.
And she does not want to stay in a marriage where she gets better,
and he just acts out worse towards her.
But she can't imagine leaving.
She feels like she's "between a rock and a hard place".
What Jane is not yet realizing is that as she gives the program "time"
-- as she gets healthier in recovery -- she will get strength in her
emotional-muscles that she cannot yet even imagine is inside of her,
waiting to come out. And those emotional muscles will work together
with the spiritual strength that will also grow in her, to help her
to get through whatever choices she will make.... and the combination
will be so strong in ways that she cannot yet imagine...... and it
will eventually be so much easier to stay or leave, whichever she
will choose.
And the Promise in the 12-steps that says "We will come to know that
God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves" will come
to happen for her. She just needs to "keep coming back" to meetings
and let the program wash on over her.
February, 2002, Recovery
Tip of the Month
from Toby Rice Drews, author, "Getting Them Sober" books
It's usually wise to be very aware of the nuances of
thought and mood changes you can experience, when you are separated
from an abusive person. One of the patterns that is very subtle is
this ----
(1.) At first, most people feel enormous anger, and this sustains
them to help them to not go back to abuse. And one says to oneself
during that time, "I'LL never go back!" and "I'LL never forget the
facts!" But this anger does not usually last, even though we think
it will.
(2.) And after the anger cools somewhat, we usually go into a period
of "I'm not angry anymore; I just care about him and pray for him."
And we feel very good about this. And we sort of "fall in love" with
this stage, because it makes us feel like we're "above it all" in
a way. ---- But, that stage often sets the tone for us to get complacent,
and start to think that we are "just fine." And we forget that we
forget the facts.
(3.) The next stage is often that we start to feel sorry for them.
We don't know it, and it comes out in little ways-- little tones of
voice that we use. We say to ourselves that we feel "compassion".
And there is nothing wrong with compassion...... but our "compassion"
is often a way for the disease to put its foot in the door and not
let us shut it. Because that often leads us to start to "see them
again" and tell ourselves that it is "just" a phone call..... "just"
a lunch...... etc etc etc.-----------And then we're back there and
getting another broken arm or rib........ and we wonder what happened.
The "compassion" stage is what happened. That stage is a real tricky
stage, because if we don't want to have that so-called compassion,
then we think we are ROTTEN people. After all, what's wrong with a
little compassion? But for us, with our "training" of living with
an alcoholic, it leads (maybe not right away) to getting together
(in increments) with the alcoholic and getting back, both feet, into
the same abuse. (That problem, in all its manifestations, is the heart
of the chapter called "I've dropped the (divorce) proceedings six
times, now" in the book, "Getting Them Sober, volume 4").
Other people who do not have a history of living with alcoholism can
often have compassion after leaving the one abusive short-term relationship
they ever experienced..... and have compassion for that person, after
a while, that says, "I hope he gets help and lives a better life and
doesn't do it again to another person." But they don't go back! And
it doesn't usually even occur to them to do so! And if you ask them
about it, they look at you like you're crazy for even suggesting that
going back to abuse is an option! ....... best to all, Toby
Jan., 2002, Recovery
Tip of the Month
from Toby Rice Drews, author, "Getting Them Sober" books
If you are making a decision to leave a relationship
with a drinking alcoholic, and if you are in recovery -- you probably
UNCONSCIOUSLY EXPECT that you will always remember "what the facts
are" and "what you are supposed to do" and "you'll never vacillate"
and "you'll never get pulled back down into the junk again!"
All that sets you up to feel bad, un-necessarily. The only thing you
have to remember is that you are a human being.
And human beings are not robots. We don't push a button and get "set
on leave" and then go and not feel. We are also in the clutches (even
if we are in recovery) of an extraordinarily-strong family disease.
The more we can just say to ourselves when we get sucked into the
junk once again is, "So what? I am ON the path of recovery, and I
will not beat myself up, emotionally, for getting sidetracked by this
disease. For it is JUST "getting sidetracked". I am on a journey of
the long-haul -- not the short-haul. I can sometimes easily get sidetracked,
in the short-haul. But I am not getting sidetracked on the long-haul.
My recovery program is hugely stronger than the disease of alcoholism.
Phone: 410-243-8352 • Fax: 410-243-8558 • e-mail: tdrews3879@aol.com