December, 2003, Recovery tip of the Month
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

Two issues in this "tip"....... separate, but related, I believe.

a.) If a recovering alcoholic tells the spouse that "she shoulda done xxx" or that "she shoulda not done xxx" for his recovery.....and/or "she's trying to make me feel guilty"--------------

What many of the "good oldtimers" in A.A. would say to him, is this:

1. "you're lucky she's still there!"

2. "you know why you feel guilty? Because you're guilty!" The A.A. Big Book, in the chapter about working Step 3, says very clearly that the MAIN problem of the alcoholic is selfishness and self-centeredness. When I'm training counselors, I bring out a blackboard and draw a bell-curve on it...... on one end of the curve, is "the family disease"----characterized by "both the spouse and the alcoholic blame the spouse". On the other end of the curve, is the "recovery" of both the family and the alcoholic------characterized by "the alcoholic centering on ----- cherishing ------- the spouse ----on a consistent basis................. and the spouse being able to enjoy it, without reverting again to giving, giving, giving." Both of them find it very difficult....... the alcoholic finds it difficult to not revert to self-centeredness......and the spouse finds it difficult to not revert to centering on him and his needs....... But to consistently .........and continually....... over many years....... make these 180-degree changes ----- is imperative for the family to truly heal.

b.) What about this term "enabler"? I've dealt with this in earlier "tips of the month"...... but want to quote, here, a small excerpt from the book, "Getting Your Children Sober" -----------

"When a family member rescues the alcoholic, and I label her "an enabler", she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows that I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels despairing, because she IS doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.

"More specifically, the term "enabler" implies that while the family member did not CAUSE the drinking, their rescue operations CONTRIBUTED to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are ALREADY looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.

"Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism counselors spend much of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics. It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that NOTHING "got them drunk". In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, "I wouldn't have gone out that time if I hadn't been enabled!"

(p.s....... instead of calling families "enablers", try saying "rescuers"------the connotation is much kinder....... the family member will stay around and not run away in shame if "called a rescuer"...... We did not enable the disease----we rescued the ones we loved..........And the rescuing stops when the family member is gently taught about alcoholism and how it works......and how to stop fearing the alcoholic's behavior....... when we lose our fears of "losing them"------we can so much more easily stop the rescuing.) IMPORTANT------- Of course, only do or not do anything that this site ----or any site on the internet----- talks about, if it is safe for you and your children.

November, 2003, Recovery Tip of the Month
from Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PRINT OUT AND MAKE COPIES OF THESE TIPS (AND ALL THE ARTICLES ON THIS WEBSITE) ----- AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT ALTERED OR USED FOR COMMERCIAL PURPOSES., AND YOU CREDIT THIS WEBSITE SO THAT PEOPLE WHO READ THE TIPS CAN COME HERE AND GET HELP.

When a recovering-in-A.A. alcoholic has relapses in the first few weeks/months of his/her journey of recovery, I don't believe those are 'relapses' per se..... the person has just not yet gotten sober.

But when a person in A.A. has years of sobriety, and drinks again -- here are some thoughts on this.......

a. 99% of people who drink again after years of sobriety have stopped going to A.A. meetings ---- or cut down greatly on those meetings til they were almost non-existent
b. the others almost always have come bumping up against issues that they think they cannot deal with, or cannot stand.

Some of those issues are ------
1. never having really thoroughly laid to rest the need for the hyper-excited atmosphere that goes along with much alcoholic drinking
2. sexual or gambling addiction issues
3. clinical depression or bipolar disorders 4. When coming back into the rooms of A.A. after a relapse, most people think the real problem is embarrassment//guilt//shame.....but I believe those are immediate hurdles, but not the real problem.

The real issue is, has the person truly started to look at the disease process in terms of the progression of alcoholism?

What are some of the facts that one needs to look at, to prevent future relapses?

1. The oldtimers in A.A. say, "it takes three to five years to get out of the woods"..... Basically it means that the brain damage needs TIME to clear up. I've seen many an alcoholic who, when coming into A.A., had difficulty articulating clear sentences.....their speech patterns were disjointed.....and it usually takes about 7 years for that to totally clear up.

Brain damage in alcoholism is very frightening...... once a person reaches a certain point of "wet brain", there is no going back...... it is irretrievable brain damage and the back wards of mental institutions have many hundreds of thousands of people in them who drank to the point of no return.

And people who "go in and out" of A.A. often tell themselves four things--
(a.) "I'll just go right back to the meetings if I drink again"
(b.) "time in A.A. doesn't matter"
(c.) "we only have today"
(d.) "I see some people with longterm sobriety that have lousy sobriety, as far as I'm concerned..... I wouldn't want their idea of sobriety"

What are they really saying to themselves and others? What are they really believing about themselves and about this disease?
(a.) they are telling themselves -- "I don't believe the oldtimers in A.A. who say, "you can know you have another "drunk" in you..... but you can't know if you have another "recovery" in you." (what does that mean? it means that one of those times you "go back out drink", you may not have the choice, anymore, to "come back in" to A.A...... you may have lost the choice because of the disease process's working on the brain and central nervous system.
(b.) they don't believe the facts of the disease of alcoholism...... one of the facts is that it takes un-interrupted sobriety time for the brain and central nervous system to continue to recover.
(c.) with relapses occurring, the disease continues its progression. (d.) When they tell themselves that "longterm sobriety is only really good if it is "quality" sobriety"..... they are unconsciously and subtly telling themselves that it's ok to drink again if they don't have "quality sobriety" in the future.

What is the truth about that? ------ Everyone's life goes up and down...... and everyone has times ----even long times -----that they feel they handle badly. ------ Your ego, your guilt, your morals, your ANYTHING, cannot be "neck and neck" with your sobriety........ because at least if you don't drink, you have a shot at straightening your behavior out. If you drink, though, your behavior will automatically get worse despite any good intentions you may have. And if you don't drink, the chances are, you won't kill a child on the road while you're driving. And if you don't drink, the chances are, you won't screw up the judgment part of your brain and tell yourself that "you can handle it when you drink and drive."

One more thing-- when someone says of an oldtimer in A.A. who acts arrogant and nasty-- "oh, he's better off if he goes out and drinks..... maybe he'll get humbled by it and act better when he comes to meetings again."-- What do I think of that statement? Well, again, who's to say he'll be able to get back in A.A.? And isn't his behavior better (for the world and his family!) if he's sober rather adding alcohol to the mix? ..... And again, very important-- he might kill someone on the highway before he "comes back to A.A. and gets humbled".

In the September, 2003, "recovery tip", I talked about the family member (whose spouse is in A.A.) who sometimes feels, "Why do you STILL have to go to all those meetings?"

What's going on behind those words?

a.) The recovering alcoholic has a lot of "alcoholic issues"------one of them is often feeling like "an egomaniac with an inferiority complex". Now, how can that manifest when he/she is interacting with his/her spouse? The alcoholic was (understandably!) "always wrong" when still drinking....... and when newly-sober, can often have a hurt ego from that memory...... never mind that it is true that the drinking-alcoholic actions were awful-------- it doesn't feel good when one is reminded of it.

SO------- to compensate for it, one often (unconsciously) acts smug when one feels one is "one up" on one's spouse (for a change)........hence, the attitude of "well, I go to A.A. and you're not in a recovery program for the family------------ so I'm doing better than you!" "Maybe some day you'll catch up with me spiritually!"

A lot of this one-ups-manship and hurt feelings can be turned around and the marriage get a bit more healed if one can get the courage to be open about feelings and let the mate know that you've felt awful being "the wrong one" and will try to be a more "eyeball-to-eyeball" ------ i.e., egalitarian ----- mate. In Bill Wilson's book, "As Bill sees it", (he was the co-founder of A.A.), he talks about the fact that one of the most difficult things alcoholics need to do is to become more eyeball-to-eyeball with everyone....... not better than........not worse than, others.

b.) The spouse can get lonely and feels hurt and left out when the newly-sober mate is obviously getting help from others-------when the spouse has literally put YEARS into trying to help........and probably got kicked in the teeth for it.

And now, after "sticking by her man", he's sober---------and sharing his innermost stuff with others, not her.

It can sometimes help for the spouse to share just that with her A.A. mate. It can help for the A.A. to try to put the shoe on the other foot and try to feel what the spouse might feel.

(Of course, this can usually only work well if, once there is sobriety, the "alcoholic games" have basically ended........ i.e., if both people feel rather raw and wary, but there is still a lot of love and kindness remaining in the marriage.

If not, if the spouse is too open too soon, this info can be "used" against her/him.)

c.) If the alcoholic has a pattern of adultery // flirting with others ------ then the non-alcoholic spouse can very understandably feel threatened when the alcoholic is "going to so many meetings"-------when he/she often get "dressed up" to go to the meetings-------- comes home late------ gets calls from women in A.A.......whatever the patterns were -----and obviously still are. Add to this, the often-used pattern of denial and crazymaking on top of it-------- like, "what ARE you talking about?! This woman in A.A. who calls me is HURTING, for goodness sake.....what's WRONG with you?!...... have you no compassion?!"

Sexual "games" are often more hurtful to the spouse than the drinking was. There is a saying in A.A. about "don't work the 13th Step." (There are 12 steps in A.A.)

What IS "13-stepping"?

Well, the 12th step in A.A. is "working with others"......carrying the message to other alcoholics.

But the wise oldtimers in A.A. tell the newcomers that "men sponsor men" and "women sponsor women"...... they know full-well about A.A. "romances" -- especially when one or both of them is married.

Old patterns die hard....... especially when alcoholic ego's are involved. "An alcoholic will fall madly in love with a parking meter, if it pays attention to him".

One of the worst manifestations of the family disease of alcoholism is the irrational guilt that families have when they are angry at the alcoholic when he/she is acting out.

It goes like this------

a. the alcoholic "does it again"

b. the family member gets enraged (years of this junk of course produces more than just annoyance)

c. when the anger dies down (and it usually will, after the alcoholic acts nice again, for awhile), the family member starts to (at least, unconsciously) feel bad for "being mean to the alcoholic" when he/she acted out a short while ago (all remembrance of this happening so many, many times before goes out the window-----the guilt sets in as if the family member got so angry "just because the alcoholic was nasty for awhile"........i.e., the family member makes "molehills out of mountains")

d. because of this minimizing the effects of chronic emotional (and often, physical) abuse, the guilt of the family member increases

e. the family member tries to "make up for his/her anger" by rescuing the alcoholic once again------ or by going out of her/his way to make the alcoholic happy

f.The alcoholic sees us as crawling to him/her when we go out of our way to make them like us....... and we feel demeaned by our begging because we are so scared of losing them or losing their love that we cannot stop ourselves from doing this--------------plus, then, the alcoholic often gets contemptuous towards us for this behavior of ours-----even though we are trying to make him feel good. He has no compassion for us, and we often
forget to have compassion for ourselves.

g. the family member sees the contempt and gets angry all over again ("after all I've done for you" and you junk on me again!)

h. the irrational guilt sets in all over again

THINGS TO REMEMBER TO HELP LESSEN THE IRRATIONAL GUILT ----

1. as Father Martin said in an early pamphlet of his ----- "the family often feels guilt for being angry at the alcoholic...... if there is any "sin", it is for babying the alcoholic, not for any anger toward the alcoholic"

2. Here are a few short excerpts on this subject from the book, "Getting Them Sober, volume 2"----- "....... often, when things are awful, your expectation of yourself is that you be able to get out of the marriage, immediately get well from all that you've been through, find somebody who is terrific, and live happily ever after....... all within a few months.

"But there are ways to emotionally detach from painful situations that one cannot, yet, physically leave (if you want to leave, that is), and one of these is to see your situation as a "training ground" to get well and out from under the abuse.

"You will grow to see that you are making the alcoholic the alcoholic too important------and making yourself too un-important!

"Actually, what you have internalized (and what the alcoholic has you convinced of) is that you are so weak around him------------- but alcoholics don't marry weak people! You're NOT as dependent on the situation as you think you are!

"That's just one of the illusions of alcoholism."

There have been many books and "programs" over the decades since A.A. was started, that have tried to say, in various fashions, that "A.A. doesn't work" or that "A.A. is not for everyone" or that instead of alcoholism being a disease, it is a "behavior that can be just dropped".

I certainly would love it if people just outgrew their alcoholism rather than it being a fatal and progressive disease, that left untreated, leads to death or insanity.
(On this note, please read the best scientific book on this subject, "Under the Influence", by James Milam).

But about these issues-----
a.) A.A. is over three million strong in the U.S...... it is always amazing to most of us who work in the field of alcoholism when we hear people claim that A.A. doesn't work for people who try it!
It is true that only 2 out of 34 alcoholics ever reach the rooms of A.A. -----but once they do, the recovery rate is 75%.
Half the persons who get to A.A. stay sober from day one, and another 25% eventually get and stay sober after relapses, if they keep coming back to the rooms of recovery.
It would be wonderful if it were true that many more people than that actually get and stay sober by themselves or through other means!
The problem with much of getting sober through other means is that alcoholism is a very patient disease....... and it is progressive.
As I've discussed in much more detail in an earlier "recovery tip of the month", getting sober through a fundamentalist church often doesn't work because after getting dry, and being saved, most fundamentalist churches then tell the alcoholic that he or she is no longer alcoholic....... and when an alcoholic hears that, he usually does not hear "and therefore you no longer have to drink again"...... he hears, instead, in his heart of hearts, that he is able to drink "normally" again.... which usually leads to his or her doing just that----- drinking again.
Of course, that "normal" drinking is no longer possible.
Once an alcoholic, the body cannot process alcohol the same way as "normal" people, and then the alcoholic is off and running ----- at the same stage of the disease as when he stopped drinking.
Most of us in the field of alcoholism, including myself, personally have known scores of people that have unfortunately tried this course and have died tragically and unnecessarily.

b.) What about people who "just stop"? Ask any alcoholic ----- he'll tell you he can stop anytime! The problem is, as most recovering alcoholics say, they can "stop anytime-----the problem is staying stopped!"
Why is it so difficult to "stay stopped"? The problem is the protracted withdrawal syndrome....... at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 18 months, 24 months, and 36 months, there occurs what is called "withdrawal"..... these withdrawal times cause biochemical cravings in alcoholics to drink again..... And it is often subtle----- the cravings often don't appear as blatant "let's drink" messages to the brain. They most often appear as depression, rages, terrible fears, etc....... and the alcoholic, after years and years of drinking, reverts to his/her usual method of wanting relief....... drinking. At these times, the oldtimers in A.A. tell the new people to go to lots of meetings during those times, and "it will pass"..... and it does.
When I get calls for counseling and the spouse tells me that her husband "went back to drinking" after being sober for quite a while, I ask her if it was during any of those time periods....... and invariably, the answer is yes. And invariably, she tells me that he was not in A.A., but "did it on his own"...... and that the family all thought that he was "doing fine", and cannot understand "what happened". What happened was the protracted withdrawal syndrome.
The Lancet-- the journal of the British Medical Society-- reported that a very extensive study was done with hundreds of volunteers who were all recovering alcoholics who were each sober 2-1/2 years. They extracted spinal fluid from each of them, and in all of them, they found remaining cells of alcohol.
Is this withdrawal merely a state of mind?
In the central nervous system of the alcoholic, when withdrawal occurs, the cells actually change shape ----- from their normal circular shape, they become box-like in shape, with the four corners looking like they have tentacles reaching out.

c.) Why do people need to keep going to recovery meetings when they have years of sobriety?
Two reasons -----
1. to help others who are new...... we have a short time on earth and we are here to be of service and help others..... not to just "get ours".
2.) to be constantly reminded that they have this disease. Why? Because this disease constantly tries to tell the alcoholic that he does not have this disease. And if he is "out there" by himself, he will probably eventually listen to it, and drink again-------thinking he is "five years sober and therefore doesn't have a problem with drinking anymore!" OF COURSE alcoholics report that they "can get sober anytime by themselves!" OF COURSE alcoholics who drink again tell people that they aren't "really drinking!"
There seems to be a "magic time" of at least five years without drinking -- and doing it without getting any help -- that is a benchmark for alcoholics to drink again.
When they reach that five-year mark, oftentimes, they really start to believe that they have "beat it" and that they can "drink normally" again, without getting drunk. And many of them do just that for awhile, but then, the progression of the disease takes over.

d.) What about alcoholism being a "fatal disease" that leads to insanity or death? According to the National Institute on Mental Health, dementia is roughly divided into three parts---------dementia from alzheimers, dementia from what is commonly called "senility"-- and dementia from alcoholism, which accounts for far greater numbers than from alzheimers. And what about the deaths?
My own father drowned when I was 12 years old, because he fell into the bathtub drunk, with all his clothes on, but the death certificate certainly did not mention alcoholism.
It seldom does.

When I was writing "Getting Them Sober, volume 3", I detailed the 350 secondary diseases/disorders to alcoholism, but I also interviewed experts about the various denials and misunderstandings that are prevalent. Here is part of my interview with James Milam, author of "Under the Influence" ---- Milam -- "Organs and systems malfunction for various reasons. Alcoholism may be one, if not the exclusive, reason when they do. Often, it's one of the major factors.
"Most diseases have borderline stages as well as full-blown manifestations. Alcoholism very often is the one factor that pushes a "tendency" to have the disease over the edge into a full-blown manifestation.
"Epilepsy is one example. Many people are borderline epileptics. Under normal circumstances, they never manifest the disease. But during even mild alcoholic withdrawal, a borderline patient may go over the edge. Many patients on Dylantin in active alcoholism never need it after sobriety. "Virtually all the other diseases have borderline degrees, except when alcoholism pushes them over.
"I am asked, "what if I take vitamins? Can I stop or ward off the effects of alcoholism?"
"The effects of alcoholic drinking are so powerful -- one is in such a chronic toxic state -- it cancels benefits of proper vitamins, jogging, and nutrition. A very watchful-of-his-diet alcoholic just slightly slows the deterioration.
"It's not what gets into your gut that counts -- it's what gets into your bloodstream. Your liver, etc., is constantly fighting to survive the chronic toxic attacks. Also, the cells cannot properly process their own waste materials, and they, therefore, are awash in their own toxins. Nutritional supplements have a very slight effect on this.
"Early researchers studied skid-row alcoholics and found malnutrition. They thought it was due to their poor diets. But, as private patients became available for study, they found the same results.
"Alcoholism seriously interferes with EVERY stage of absorption, conversion, and utilization of nutritional materials.
"So, the entire body is really toxic AND malnourished-- therefore, is less able to ward off these diseases. The liver swells, to try to contain the toxins, so that they don't spread to the rest of the body. The liver is the major organ that has the job of controlling and converting toxins to waste materials. A liver that is THAT polluted doesn't have the capacity to do much else..... i.e., its normal work, in getting rid of toxins, in warding off diseases."

e.) What goes on in the brain that necessitates alcoholics needing a lifelong
program of recovery, rather than be able to "go it alone" to recover -- as
opposed to what one can do with getting off cigarettes, where people may need 'the patch' or hypnosis, or a short-term support group?
First of all, of course cigarettes are highly addictive. It is one of the
shortest-acting drugs out there. Heroin's effects last about 4 hours. The
usual hits of heroin needed by an addict are 2 to 3 hits a day. Cigarettes'
action last only a few minutes on the brain. So the cigarette addict needs
the 20 hits or so from one cigarette, times 20 cigarettes in a pack -- so,
400 hits to the brain a day times 365 days a year, if one smokes a pack a
day. Makes it a very hard habit to break.
But -- nicotine does not give the same medicating effects as alcohol.
Alcohol interferes with the inhibitory process of the entire front part of
the brain -- the forebrain. And nicotine does not.
This 'inhibitory process' of the forebrain is the part of ourselves that
tells us to live life properly on life's terms -- tells us to give to others,
not be selfish, obey authority, be faithful in marriage, delay
self-gratification -- to live by life's and nature's and God's rules.
So, after years of alcoholic drinking --
(1.) one needs years for forebrain and central-nervous system repair. During
this time, the person is still "foggy" (the A.A. oldtimers tell newcomers
that it takes 3 to 5 years to "come out of the woods"). This also means that
in that healing process, the alcoholic needs a lot of guidance (hence the
need for A.A. sponsors) to re-teach him/her how to not only live, but
tolerate, living life on life's terms.
(2) one still has a very patient lifelong disease that keeps telling the
alcoholic that he/she does not have the disease ----- hence, as I said above,
the alcoholic still needs to go to A.A. to be reminded that he/she indeed has
alcoholism and cannot successfully return to drinking.