Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications

Just "put it on the shelf" for when you do want to hear it.

Which reminds me of what is underlying saying 'put it on the shelf'......... i.e., it's time, when these funks hit--------to be VERY very emotionally gentle with yourself.

NOT time to hear slam/bam people tell you to 'get on with it'. Not time to tell yourself that, either.

It's 'funny'.......ironic........ paradox-stuff..... when we really love/gentle/accept ourselves for where we really really are, emotionally........ we start to slide out of it...... gently......the way that's nice to us. .........much love to all, Toby

"October, 2005, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

TAKE THE RUM OUT OF THE FRUITCAKE----& YOU STILL HAVE THE FRUITCAKE There is "recovery"----which is total abstinence, plus a program to recover from the remnants of the 'ism' from the alcohol-ism.
Of course, there are always persons on all ends of the spectrum, as in any disease.
There are alcoholics, who, when they get rid of the alcohol, really don't have 'alcoholic issues'. But they are not the majority of persons who have alcoholism.
Most people who have the disease are also adult children of alcoholics...which almost automatically translates into 'persons with serious issues from childhood'.
Then, there are the minority...but still there...... persons who have other psychiatric disorders in addition to their alcoholism, that need attending ...... persons with clinical depression // bipolar disease //etc.

For most people with the disease of alcoholism, abstinence is only a beginning. As 'they' say, "it isn't alcohol-was-m -- it's alcohol-is-m" .

"September, 2005, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

Was watching Charlie Rose, host on public television.... he was interviewing a film producer who recalled his own interview with someone who was a rather not-nice-acting person ---- brash, snide, invalidating, etc. And Charlie Rose's guest merely said that he viewed him as 'de-stabilizing'. Now, I loved that. It seems the epitome of true detachment, in the Al-Anon sense. To be able to view someone as almost a person who throws one off-center...but who is only almost machine-like in his aiblity to do so. Certainly not personalizing it. (Of course, if we live with a person like that-------it would be so much more difficult to think that way, when they spewed their vitriole on us.) But----- how many of us wind up taking it mostly ALL personally, on some unconscious level..... When we meet strangers who are just not like us--------who see the world so very differently------- who come off like gangbusters in their invalidation of everyone who are not like-thinkers with them. What a really good power-of-example for me to hear someone merely say that someone was 'de-stabilizing'. Shows me once again the power of the connotation of words, to take away the sting when I want it to do so.

"August, 2005, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

If we must encounter a situation in which, in the past, we acted servile.... it often helps to think often of the word "dignity", before going into that situation again.
We families of alcoholics -- we go so easily into unconscious irrational guilt when we say 'no'.
"Dignity" helps so much to do what we feel we need to do, without bringing on that irrational guilt.

"July, 2005, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

What we think was not our very best, often looks good to other people. We alcoholic family members often do 300% at our jobs. And when we "just" do 75% (the norm), we feel like failures.

"June, 2005, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

The following is excerpted from the "Getting Your Children Sober" book---
(this material is also applicable when there are no alcoholic children involved...only alcoholic adults)

Chapter 4: Why Most Therapies Haven't Been Able to Help

Since many parents have gone to clergy, counselors, and general mental-health practitioners, and have become even more confused and despairing after doing so, this chapter is meant to clarify why the sessions may have been ineffective and why your kids' problems often got worse rather than better during the course of the therapy.

This chapter will be a beginning in helping you to make better choices about choosing counselors for your children, your spouses, and yourselves.

This chapter also will be helpful to the ever-growing number of thera pists who are rec og nizing how pervasive all forms of alcoholism are in their caseloads, and are looking for addiction education and understanding to add to their expertise and enhance their effectiveness.

What are the basic myths all of us have been taught about therapy myths that pre vent the healing of alcoholic families, myths that do not take into account the disease concept of alcoholism and all that it implies?

Myth #1: Patients always tell therapists the truth about their drinking.

I have spoken with thousands of parents who took their children to see a therapist in an effort to bring some sanity back into their house holds. After the therapist posed a question or two to the child about his or her drinking, the matter was often dropped. Why? Let's look at a typical encounter:

Therapist: Do you drink?

Child: Yeah, some.

Therapist: How much?

Child: A couple of beers, at parties, with other kids. That's all. All the kids do it. My mother's paranoid.

Therapist: Why do you say that?

Child: I don't know. Ever since we moved, after my father got trans ferred on his job, my mom is really unhappy. She takes it out on all of us. My dad's always telling her she nags.

Therapist: Does she?

Child: yeah.

Therapist: Do you feel the same way?

Child: Yeah.

Therapist: Let's talk about that, next session. Maybe we can find some ways for you to talk more directly to your mother about how you feel about the way she treats you.

The therapist has made her first mistake by believing the alcoholic's minizing of the drinking problem. The child's disease helped him divert the issue completely.

Alcoholics even child alcoholics will lie to pro tect their drinking. In coun seling, I've never had an alcoholic patient tell me that he or she drinks more than "a couple." Alcoholics are incapable of telling the truth due to a disease process that is extremely cunning in its efforts to protect its supply of alcohol. This is not a moral judgment. It is merely a fact of the disease. (See the list of questions at the end of this chapter to ask yourselves in order to crack through much of the child's denial and get at the truth. If you find a family history of alcoholism and if your child seems to have a problem, too, chances are your child does have a problem.)

If your child's therapy sessions pro ceed from the first myth that your child told the truth about his drinking then the next logical con clu sion in this erroneous thought process is to think that, instead of addic tion being the problem, "underlying mental-health issues" must be to blame.

Myth #2: These "underlying mental-health issues" can be re solved by teaching "good communications skills" to members of that alcoholic family.

This is impossible. Your alcoholic child can be very sincere and really want to co operate by trying to communicate better. But even after a terrific family therapy session, all his insight can go flying out the window with the next intake of alcohol. Furthermore, every day your child con tinues to drink, the disease is progressing. That means that in addition to ex periencing secondary physical problems, his or her ability to cope with life at all is pro gressively diminished.

If your child is going through with drawal, the severe agitation will be causing anger, anxiety, and overall, an in ability to have any "good communications."

Myth #3: Alcoholism is a result of un resolved conflicts, anxieties, and undealt-with anger. As soon as your child's ther a pist can "get at the root of the prob lem," the need to drink will wither away by itself.

I have personally seen terrible results from belief in this myth: Early deaths of children that could have been prevented; much confusion and despair for families; and the waste of lots of time and money in ineffective treatment sessions.

Putting it simply, problems do not cause alcoholism. Almost all of the time, after alcoholics stop drinking and attend AA regularly, their serious emotional problems disappear or at least diminish greatly with help. On the other hand, it is impossible for the still-drinking alcoholic to get well emotionally.

Myth #4: Even if the alcoholism is not dealt with as the primary issue, good therapy is being practiced if families are straight about feelings.

Even during therapy sessions where the alcoholic is acknowledged to be an alcoholic, many therapists have been trained to focus on asking parents how they feel about all this. On the surface, this may seem sensitive and caring. Unfortunately, such an approach often leads to fifteen, thirty, or even fifty sessions on how each family member "feels about" everybody else, and not much else is accomplished.

In this erroneous process, the next step for the therapist is to help everybody to improve their communications skills about how they feel! By that time, the drinking is no longer brought up on any regular basis. The drinking is merely discussed in terms of how everyone else feels about it.

When feelings rather than drinking or drugging are in the spotlight, then the onus is on parents to justify their over-reactive feelings (say, when their child may stop drinking for two or three weeks) and does not take into account the dynamic of the child's addiction and the constant tensions and crises it perpetuates on you.

More damaging, perhaps, is the prob ability that your therapist can get sucked into believing the charming facade that even an alcoholic child is capable of producing, thereby invalidating the credibility of your statements (that it is crazy, living in that household). The therapist thinks the alcoholism may be being exaggerated.

Myth #5: The alcoholic does not know how the family feels.

I'm also skeptical of counseling methods that assume your child does not know how you feel! It does not take three months of therapy sessions with Susie (who's con stantly truant from school) to let her know that her father and mother are angry!

Counselors wish from lack of knowledge about the dynamics of the disease process of alco holism, but it again subtly places the responsibility for the cause of the drinking on the parents, instead of on the alcoholism. (Parents often quit the counseling at this point, feeling even more depressed and despairing than when they entered counseling.)

I believe there is at least a partial ex plana tion for this lack of under standing and knowledge about the disease concept of alco holism. We all once believed alcoholism's lie that "the alcoholic wouldn't drink if all was right with his or her world." Unfortunately, no one's world can be just right.

Another partial explanation for this professional lack of knowledge about the disease concept of alcoholism is more hidden: many helping professionals are them selves adult children of alcoholics, spouses or former spouses of alcoholics, and parents of addicts. Since denial is the main symptom of alcoholism and addiction and since professionals are no more immune to the symptom than anyone else when coun selors are themselves un treated for their family disease symptoms, they bring this denial symptom to their work. Thus, we have a client whose main problem is a disease that may remain un diagnosed be cause the therapist's own family disease remains undiagnosed, be cause the therapist's main symptom, too, is denial around even seeing the disease!

Myth #6: When parents are told they are "enablers," it leads them to stop the enabling.

"Enabling" is meant to describe the res cue opera tions that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he can't stand watching the alcoholic suffer the con se quences of the disease. When that hap pens, he "cleans up" the alcoholic's messes (lies to the school that his son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving). That way, the alco holic doesn't suffer the real conse quences of his behavior.

A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detach ment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child. The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this. And this detach ment can't be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening.

When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she ob viously is still doing the rescuing behav iors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels des pairing, because she is doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.

More specifically, the term enabler implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations con tributed to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.

Alcoholics do not need any encourage ment to blame others! Alcoholism coun selors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alco?holics. It is considered to be a major break through in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowl edge that nothing "got them drunk." In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, "I wouldn't have gone out that time if I hadn't been enabled!"

The alternative to being labeled enablers is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effec tive process of detachment. For, de tach?ment will help end your fears and it is your fears that origi nally caused you to rescue. And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is espe cially important if you also are married to an alcoholic. It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.

How does detachment work? How does it help you to lose your fears of your alcoholic child or spouse? The general process goes something like this:

1) When you begin to learn ways to stop watching the alcoholic in order to begin the healing process of seeing to your own needs, the alcoholic has radar and senses this switch in focus.

2) Much of the "games" stop then, be cause the alcoholic child knows that less attention will be paid to him or her.

3) By continuing to focus on yourself in stead of the alcoholic, you get an even greater distance (detach ment) from the threats, and begin to lose your fears of them. You begin to see how you gave the alco holic so much of his or her power. You can take it back!

4) Again, the alcoholic senses this. He or she begins to threaten even less.

5) You see that detachment works! You gain more confidence. Many of the illusions in your household are begin ning to end.

6) You lose much of your preoccupation with the alcoholic. Your pre occu pa tion was based on your needing to stop him or her from hurting you. You now see they are much less capable of hurting you than you thought. They've already done most of the damage they can do. But the game has been to keep up more of the same junk, to keep up the illusion that the alcoholic is powerful. This no longer works. You have learned not to look at him or her; to walk out of the room; out of the house to not beg.

7) The alcoholic now stands alone with his or her disease. They've lost their audience, and therefore drop much of the bullying. You are not watching it.

8) The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house.

9) The alcoholic has a chance to grow up and make a decision to get help.

10) You are free.

When I teach parents the dynamic of what I have just described, they begin to naturally let go of the disease to detach because they are losing their fears of the alcoholics. All of us stop manipu lating and controlling people when we lose our fears of them.

* * *

As a therapist, I try to let parents know that I will gently help them along the not-straight road toward freedom from their fears. I let them know that they do not have to meet a timetable. In fact, I let them know that I am aware that I do not walk in their shoes, that they must be comfortable to make even a small step; that what I will do is love and accept them, even when they vacillate in their ability to detach from the disease.

I let the parents know that I know they will be ready some day. I try to give them the same hope that Al-Anon holds out that my acceptance of them will be part of the healing and will help move them along toward health and the choices that they now can only dream of.

And then, gently, naturally, interventions do happen, because with one hand I provide the healing embrace and com fort of total acceptance and without pressure; while with the other hand, I hold up the mirror of reality and nudge them along ever so gently toward reality.

Is There A Family History of Addiction or Alcoholism?

Twenty questions for family members. Answering yes to any two of these often indicates alcoholism. Ask these questions about yourself, your spouse, parent, grandparent, uncle, aunt, sibling, cousin, and any other family member.

Have/do you or the other relative . . .

1) Ever talked about switching from liquor to wine or beer?

2) Have idiopathic epilepsy?

3) Have adult onset diabetes?

4) Have essential hypertension?

5) Ever complain or "nag" about a rela tive's drinking?

6) Have adult children who are tee totalers?

7) Did anyone ever talk about a rela tive's drinking? Did that relative . . .

8) Seem to drink a bit too much?

9) Fall a lot?

10) Fall asleep on the sofa a lot?

11) Have a lot of arguments?

12) Seem to be able to drink more than most people and not feel it?

13) Have any liver problems?

14) Go from job to job?

15) Have credit problems?

16) Ever get stopped for drunk or reckless driving? Or ever have a single-vehicle accident on a weekend night?

17) Frequently have a red nose? Red eyes?

18) Have a beer breath?

19) Seem to be either the life of the party or a loner?

20) At the mention of alcoholism, bristle and get defensive, or abruptly leave the room?

Reflection/Action Guide

Write On:

1) Describe how you may have needed an Al-Anon meeting to recover from a family therapy session.

2) Describe the ways you believed your ineffective communications with your child caused the addiction.

3) Describe your feelings when you read or hear that you are an enabler.

4) Using the process of detachment just described, visualize a scenario in which you can see yourself no longer reacting to the alcoholic in one of the situations you find chronically troublesome.

Suggested Activities:

1) Make a list of family members who were probably alcoholic (use the twenty questions as a guide).

2) If your current therapy is not address ing the alcohol or drugs as the primary problem, con sider getting a second opinion or evaluation for your child at an alcoholism treatment center.

3) Make a call to a treatment center and ask for a brochure to be sent to you.

May, 2005, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

Why is it so wrenchingly difficult for so many of us to end our rescuing of alcoholics from the consequences of their alcoholism?
For most of us, we are terrified of losing them...losing their love, even if they stay with us.
Scared of their anger... we've seen it. We know they can hold onto it. We know they use it to divert us. And it usually works.
It especially works when we are children of violent alcoholics. It's post-traumatic stress syndrome, all over again and again and again.
For others of us, the money issue is no small thing, when he earns most of the income, and there are small children at home...or if we're older, and not as able to get around, to earn a decent income on our own.
For many of us, just saying 'no' is like tearing our guts out. There's almost no doubt that THAT response is most likely about our own childhoods, replaying itself out, over and over.
Whatever the reason, telling us to "just stop enabling him/her" is useless.
And drives us NOT to stop the rescuing, but drives us out of counseling, drives us into paralyzed shame.
And sends our families down the tubes, with even further isolation than ever.

a. First, please don't call us 'enablers'...we are rescuers.."rescuers" is a non-shaming term, and it does not drive us out of treatment...and it leads to the same goal...& itMUCH more effectively help us stop the over-caretaking. (Of course, when counselors become angry that "they can't call us enablers", it is THEIR issue. Most likely,when a counselor tries to hang on to that old idea, she/he is an adult child of an alcoholic, who does not want to let go of punishing the non-addicted parent for staying in a marriage with the alcoholic).

b. When we are gut-wrenchingly unable to stop the rescuing because we cannot say 'no' even when we know it might very well help save his/her life, it is often so very helpful to seek help for our childhood issues, that occured way before we even met the alcoholic in our lives.

c. But very important------WE family members, as part and parcel of OUR recovery, get to learn that OUR path, our children's paths, are every bit as important as the recovery of the alcoholic.
No---- more important.
Six persons lives 'as' important as the one?
So------- when and IF we get to the point where we can more comfortably end the rescuing, we will do it. But not to OUR detriment. When we face more to lose (in any given situation) than the alcoholic does, if we stop rescuing in any particular case, we have the right to do what is best for US. For in the long run, what's good for the family, IS good for the alcoholic.

(Another cartoon from the Al-Anon Forum magazine, years ago---- a family was taking a Sunday drive in the country. The drinking alcoholic father was driving. His wife sat next to him in the car. The 2 kids were in the back seat. Dad crashed into a tree. All became unconscious. The ambulance came onto the scene. The medics rushed to the car, crying, "How is he?!") Sounds a lot like how the family is treated by many so-called experts in alcoholism, these days............ love to all in recovery, Toby

April, 2005, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

Many years ago, in the "Forum", the monthly Al-Anon magazine, there appeared a one-frame line-drawing cartoon. A couple were in the basement of their home. He (obviously very drunk) had her tied to a chair, with her feet in a bucket of cement. The caption (she was the one speaking) read: "Now, you make sure you clean up when you're done!" .......... Denial. One of the more tempting ways we often go right to denial, is to focus on the "side shows" instead of the main event... love to all in recovery, Toby

"March, 2005, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

It was wisely pointed out to me that a family member might think, after reading the "February, 2005, Recovery Tip of the month"---that it might mean, to her, that SHE should point out to the alcoholic, how very good it is for his recovery, to make amends to her and the kids.

Well, folks, for the most part-----forget it.

Why? Because if you have an alcoholic who is that self-centered that he doesn't want to make amends...... then he'll probably just dig his heels in more....... thinking superficially that you are just trying to get him to be nice, once again (duhhhh-----what's wrong with that anyway??!!).

So, who did I write that tip of the month for?

a. many recovering alcoholics themselves read this website..... many will want to really recover in a lasting and deep way.......and will take that suggestion from me, who is not the family member.

b. many therapists and treatment-center personnel are looking for discussion questions and topics from the internet...... this would probably be a helpful "tip of the month" to print out and use in groups.

But-----I stress, the family member is so understandably upset when amends are not made....... but "getting in there again with him" about his program of recovery, in many cases, leads to frustration --------and embroils the family more with the sickness of his alcoholism.

Now------- if the couple is going to therapy or a couples' group---- this may very well be a useful topic------when it is led by a therapist, who hopefully will be skilled and knowledgeable about the family dynamics---- or if the couple is seeing a minister who counsels them-----or if the spouse is seeing the minister for counseling and if the minister is, again, knowledgeable and skilled around dealing with alcoholism and the family, the minister might very well ask the alcoholic to see him or her privately and discuss the amends to be made.....I would be sure, though, to maybe only go this route if the minister is not easily conned by the charm of many an alcoholic......... best to all in real recovery, Toby

February, 2005, Recovery Tip of the month
Copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

The family member tends to search and dig relentlessly for "what might be my part in the blame" for the tension, the ugliness in the home.
Most of the time, the "wrong" that is found is, "I yelled too much when he hurt me"...... or "I got so angry when I found him in bed with my neighbor, that I threw some of his clothes out the window"....... or "I didn't talk to him for almost a whole day when he blew the rent and milk money at the bar".
At the other end of the spectrum, we too-often find the newly-recovering alcoholic not wanting to make amends for past behavior.
"It's enough that I'm sober now".

Is it?

A few days ago, I saw part of a Charlie Rose show on public television. He was interviewing an actress who talked about the new film she was in. It is a film about South Africa, apartheid, whites who were part of the old and the new regime, and the need for amends.
(No matter what one's political beliefs, this is not why I am writing this. I immediately, when hearing her talk the way she did, "translated" what she was saying from the political, to the importance of the essence of the message in terms of alcoholism recovery and the "amends steps" in the 12-step programs).

She said, "in order for healing to occur, one must put words to the pain".
And Charlie agreed........ but then said to her later, "and the persons who were hurt must accept the apology".

And Ms. Binoche replied, "oh no.....if one has been the one who hurt the others, one does not have the right to demand that the person who was hurt do forgiveness.
That is their choice...we do not have the right to demand it."

It is so much in line with what the A.A. Big Book says to the alcoholic.

But so much today veers from the letter and the spirit of what the God-Given Big Book said...... often, in meetings, one hears "opinions" that "all one needs to do is stay sober...... that is enough".
What is beneath that, is a continuation of what the Big Book says is the heart of the problem of the alcoholic...... selfishness and self-centeredness.

As Dr. Tiebout said (a psychiatrist who greatly understood the essence of alcoholism......and who was asked to help the A.A. founders set the tone and foundation of much of the program)----- "What is necessary for the alcoholic, for a lasting recovery, is ego deflation at depth."

Another way of saying, "get out of self".
One can only really understand the depth of the pain one has caused others if one is not centered in what one perceives to be one's own needs.

It's really sad when a person does not understand how very very much he will grow and thrive when he transcends the limits of his lingering alcoholism.

"January, 2005, recovery tip of the month" copyright
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

(The following is a small excerpt of a chapter in the "Getting Your Children Sober" book.)

The term "enabler" implies that while the family did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking.
Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are ALREADY looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.
Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time with patients--trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics.
It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the healing process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge THAT NOTHING "GOT THEM DRUNK".
In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses, and are re-entering treatment--- are now often heard saying, "I wouldn't have gone out that time if I hadn't been enabled!"

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When alcoholics hear this from counselors, and if they STILL hold on to wanting to call their families 'enablers'---it shows that they have not dropped that blame.......AND it shows that, underneath the conscious level, they still believe that "something CAN get them drunk".
Which indicates a very very dangerous "reservation" about how they think about drinking again.
The A.A. oldtimers tell the newcomers---
a. get rid of your reservations about drinking again
b. internalize the fact that nothing can get you drunk... nothing "triggers you to drink"... and if terrible things happen, you say to yourself,
"Don't drink if your as* falls off---and if it falls off, put it in a basket ---and take it to a meeting."

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If you keep thinking that "her enabling" got you drunk... or 'made it harder for you to get sober'.... it would be a very good idea to ask yourself lots of questions about what you think might "get you drunk"---again.