Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications

RECOVERY TIP OF THE MONTH
All the following 'Recovery Tips of the Month' are copyrighted by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

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"December, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

One of the biggest 'kickers' to our family recovery, is the irrational guilt that comes at us ----- after we think we're done with it.

Case in point---- Someone's been chronically verbally abusive to us ..... we've cringed in the past ...... "took it" and kept our mouths shut.
Didn't want to make the person angrier at us.
Didn't want people to think we're "not nice".
Didn't want to 'come off' as anything but sweet....... kind..... very reasonable......
Certainly didn't want to 'come off' as "a shrew".

Then came family recovery and we're taught to not have to act like doormats......that it's good for us to stop that......and it's good for the alcoholic, too.
So--------we got 'permission' to act with dignity..........

Spiritual permission.

So, after 'taking it and taking it'---------we finally said, "YOU CANNOT TREAT ME THAT WAY ANYMORE!"

And the person indicated to us ------and to others-------that we are 'hot-headed'.... 'not very nice'....... 'have a volatile personality'.

And as much as we DON'T want to admit it to ourselves.......and perhaps we even do not admit it to ourselves............

The person has "found our buttons".

For, if the person did not find our buttons........ we would not feel like we need to be validated so that deep-down, we had the right to tell them finally.........to stop the put-downs.......the verbal abuse.

And abusers are EXCELLENT at finding our irrational guilt buttons...... at trying to make us feel like we do not have the right to stop them.

THIS HAPPENS TO ALMOST ALL OF US....... NO MATTER HOW GOOD OUR FAMILY RECOVERY......THERE IS ALMOST ALWAYS AN ABUSER WHO INSTINCTIVELY KNOWS THAT HE CAN MAKE US BACK-OFF BY PUSHING OUR IRRATIONAL-GUILT BUTTONS.

But-------- how could that person push our buttons------when we know, down deep, that we had the right to tell them to stop the behavior?

Part of the answer for many of us, are the words we use----the words we tell ourselves about ourselves---- for our behavior when we stop the abuser.

We tell ourselves the buzzwords of mental
health........ "assertion"......."assertiveness".......

But what we un-consciously hear ourselves say, often, is "aggression".

What's the antidote? What can we say to ourselves, that eliminates that irrational guilt.......... that tells us the truth about our actions to stop abuse?

We can tell ourselves that we are responding with Dignity.

With that God-Given Dignity........that all children of God have the right ....... to implement.

There is something so very lovely about how we see ourselves when we act with dignity......... when we see ourselves standing straighter.... telling abusers that they can't do what they have been doing..........to a Child of God.

It doesn't mean that we are not left with old, residual fear that we might lose the 'friendship' and 'love' that we often traded-off with abusers.......so they would stay in our lives.

But it certainly does help eliminate that irrational guilt that told us we didn't have the right to tell them that we have the right to be treated decently.

"November, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

There's a special spin on giving thanks that I find so helpful.
It's thanking God.......trying to thank God....... when things happen that I don't like. Somehow, when I find it difficult to 'get to acceptance'-------when I try to really stretch and 'reach' thankfulness about it-------- it may not make me actually thankful for it------but it pulls me closer to acceptance than if I try to get to acceptance without going that route ......and therefore I find some peace of mind about it.

"October, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

Here's how good A.A. recovery sounds------------

One recovering alcoholic, sober for more than 20 years, puts it this way------- "I never realized how INHUMANE it was for me to blame my wife for my drinking".

Another A.A.'er says, "I feel so privileged to be able to invite my wife to my A.A. anniversary each year, so I can publicly make amends to her.
It's one thing to say it quietly in the kitchen.
It's another thing to say what I need to say about amends to her, each year, in front of an entire meeting.
I remember more of what I did to her, each year.
And I think it's important that I feel that pain, that way. She felt the pain from my behavior for years and years. It's the very least I can do.
And it does more for my marriage than marriage counseling could ever do."

"September, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

New research studies show that even though, in most of the country, a .08 blood-alcohol level means that a driver is legally impaired, a much lower level of blood alcohol still endangers others on the road.

At the .02 blood-alcohol level, people exhibit some loss of judgment, a decline in visual functions (affecting their ability to track a moving object), and experience a decline in the ability to perform two tasks at the same time.

At the .05 blood alcohol concentration level, people experience loss of small-muscle control (such as being able to focus their eyes quickly), have impaired judgment, and lowered alertness.
They would be operating the vehicle with reduced coordination, a futher deminished ability to track moving objects, more difficulty in steering, and a markedly reduced response in emergency situations.

"August, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

To speed up family recovery, often it helps to 'catch oneself' when we start to feel that IRRATIONAL guilt that we aren't "saying something nice" when he says something nice----------- but when his ACTIONS are awful.

He LOVES to tap into our irrational guilt and increase it---------SO HE CAN KEEP US WITH HIM.

He KNOWS.........HIS DISEASE KNOWS......... that the irrational guilt kicking in, is like a boulder in the road for OUR recovery.

We hit it with our toe, and fall down, and spend our precious time feeling irrationally guilty that we're not saying something nice to him ........ after all, he said something sweet the day after he didn't pay the bills with the money, but drank it all up.

HOW TO KNOW IF IT'S IRRATIONAL GUILT THAT YOU'RE FEELING?

WEIGH IT.

PUT IT ON GROCERY-STORE SCALES.

PUT THE 'NICE WORDS' OUT OF HIS MOUTH ON ONE SCALE.

PUT HIS ACTIONS ON THE OTHER SCALE.

It's like a peanut on one scale ---- and an elephant on the other one.

THIS is the important stuff to be taking a self-inventory about, in Al-Anon.......... THIS IS THE STUFF OF "WHAT'S OUR PART IN IT?"

"July, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

The alcoholic pays attention to what the partner does------not what the partner says.
The family pays attention to what the alcoholic says------- not what he does.

How does this often "play out"?

a.) The alcoholic/addict 'does it again'. ("It" being drinking/drugging/infidelity/gambling/not showing up for work/losing the paycheck......etc etc.)

The partner gets furious // threatens // yells // cries // lectures him about alcoholism and what it's doing to him and to them....... etc etc

b.) The alcoholic agrees // hangs his head // says he's so sorry // promises to NEVER do it again // says he doesn't blame her if she never sees him again // tells her she's too good for him // says she's the best thing that ever happened to him // tells her he does not deserve her // tells her that she is 'gold' ........etc etc

What happens in a few days or in a few weeks?

a.) Like he never said all of those things ------- instead, now, it's "whaddaya mean, you don't trust me yet?! It's been three weeks and I haven't done anything wrong!"

What happened?

The alcoholic LOVED it when you got angry------and yelled-----and lectured-----and screamed------and threatened.

He KNEW that as long as you were verbal-----------------you were taking no action.

THE ALCOHOLIC PAYS ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU DO----------NOT WHAT YOU SAY.

What about the partner?

The partner of course hates it when the alcoholic does terrible things. The partner understandably wants something to 'make up for' all the bad behavior. (But we are trained to look for words to 'make up for everything'-----not actions).
So------ the partner waits for the magic words that will (temporarily) erase all the hurt ------ "I love you".

The three words that we live for.

The three words that we pay an enormous price for--------- why say 'price'?
Because when we're dealing with an alcoholic/addict, the trade-off (in reality) for the partner are the words.

Not the actions.

The actions BY NECESSITY, if the alcoholic/addict continues to ingest mood-altering drugs -------- become worse.

Become worse------ because the disease of addiction is progressive.
And any amount------no matter how often or how much-------keeps the disease progressing.

And that does not mean 'just the liver' or 'just the brain' ---------
the behaviors become worse.

Why? Because the alcoholic/addict's frontal lobe of the brain is toxic.......and that part of the brain decides what behaviors will be acted upon.
----------------------------------
A good friend who was the co-founder of Al-Anon in Baltimore, many years ago, always had this to say--------- "HIS disease made him promise that he wouldn't drink that day, every time he went out the door in the morning. MY problem was that I believed him."
----------------------------------
Why is it important for us to know how this disease works on the brain?
One of the reasons is that once we fully internalize this knowledge, then we spend TONS less energy and time, trying to "make them behave" when they are still-drinking//still-drugging.

When we realize that we cannot change their behavior by verbalizing to them about it, we have more time in our lives!

Now, we OF COURSE get angry when they hurt us! And it does not mean that we don't yell or whatever----------BUT it does mean that we realize, deep down, that we are not "reaching them"........ that, DESPITE their talk about 'how much they understand'---------that their 'understanding' has NOTHING to do with changed actions.

Their behaviors can change when and if they get sober and clean. And almost no alcoholic/addict gets sober/clean because they were lectured about it. They almost always get sober/clean when THEY feel the consequences of their behaviors.......not when we scream to them that WE are feeling the consequences of their behaviors.

Alcoholics don't give two hoots if WE are feeling the consequences of their behaviors.

They SAY they 'care'. But the booze takes away all that caring........and throws them headlong into selfishness once again.

As the A.A. Big Book says, "the HEART of the problem of the alcoholic is selfishness and self-centeredness".
-------------------------------------------------
Learning all this does not mean there is no more of a roller-coaster in the relationship.......... it DOES mean that the roller-coaster becomes lower-down.

It becomes shorter, has less depth, and we can get off that roller-coaster much quicker when he 'starts again'.

"June, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

If you are dating again.......

a.) and if your history has been akin to volunteering to give up your seat on the lifeboat, on the Titanic------- and give it up to a charming, abusive Titanic worker ------ a suggestion might be to---
Start A Kennel.
Rescue animals.
Put your 'taking care of them energy' there, instead.
(Sometimes, when we have a lifelong pattern of excessive caretaking ------- it's easier to just move our caretaking energies -- than to lessen them. Moving that energy to those who won't spit in our faces after we've cared for them, is a big positive step in family recovery.)

b.) When you come across another charming cad-------- don't listen to what he says----listen to what he does.

c.) And you don't have to 'explain' if you want to end the dating.
"No" is a complete sentence.
(HOW many times have we 'explained' and 'explained' and 'explained' when we want to say 'no'?! So often, we 'explain and explain'-----for the real purpose of hoping we get permission from that person to agree with our choice for us.)

c.) People are always asking me, "how do I let him know I don't want to hear from him?"
If you have to ask that--------you probably do not want to stop hearing from him. When we REALLY are ready to stop hearing from them---- we know what to do. We then do what all people do who don't want to hear from them. We change our phone numbers to unlisted ones, etc. We do not respond at all, to phone calls, emails, etc. (Responding just gets across the message that you do, indeed, want to engage with that person.) When we divorce, we let lawyers talk to lawyers. Getting involved verbally, once again, with them, usually leads only to promises, threats, etc.

d.) NONE of this is easy to do. All of it is very very difficult. There's a sentence in the A.A. Big Book that says something like, 'changing xxxx is like bending forged steel'.
Changing family-of-alcoholic behavior IS like bending forged steel. It usually takes months of family recovery to begin to see substantial results........ and it's not a 'straight line' process. It's, as they say, 4 steps forward... 2 steps back...7 steps forward...5 steps back....etc.

When stockbrokers watch a progress chart of a particular stock, and see that it is a good stock------- basically gaining in value------ they do not "chastise" the stock's progress when they see "blips" on the chart that indicate it "went backwards" at times.

They EXPECT "blips".

"Blips" are part and parcel of progress forward......... Without 'blips', there is no progress forward. ........ love to all in recovery, Toby

"May, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

Words can have such power --

Newly-sober-in-relapse-programs alcoholics are often told that certain things can "trigger them to drink again."
What does that really imply? That something CAN get them drunk.
What do the wise oldtimers in A.A. tell newcomers? That "NOTHING can get you drunk".
This distinction is crucial.
The A.A. approach says that nothing is that strong that it can "make you" drink. A.A. places the responsibility 100% on the alcoholic to not drink.
The IMPLICATION of the "valid triggers" approach, is that there are some things that can 'overwhelm one' and 'make one drink'.

Then how does one tell newly-sober persons in treatment, to stay away from certain things, certain people, etc.----without saying, "they can get you drunk"? One can tell the newly-sober alcoholic that "XXX and YYY can make you very uncomfortable" and "you are tempting yourself too much, by going to that place.. go to a barber shop long enough, and you will want to get a haircut".
The above statements put the responsibility on the alcoholic to stop the behaviors that tempt him too much-------but those statements do not MAKE THE LEAP that those things WILL get him drunk. And they do not make the leap that those things are so powerful that he cannot do something to not drink.

That is why A.A. oldtimers tell the newcomer to "call me BEFORE you drink". They will meet the person who is "in the barbershop too many times" BEFORE he drinks........ they will meet him at any time, any day or night, to help him stay away from that first drink.

He will be told "don't drink if your as* falls off.......and if it falls off------- put it in a basket and take it to a meeting".

IN OTHER WORDS-------"NOTHING CAN GET YOU DRUNK".

So so important-------to help the alcoholic NOT MAKE THAT LEAP from "slippery places and slippery people" to "they trigger one to drink".

Yes, the slippery places and slippery people can make the alcoholic want to drink...... but NO MATTER WHAT.......no matter what is 'tempting'......no matter 'how slippery'....... nothing can 'get him' drunk.

Big difference.

Bill W. (co-founder of A.A.) recalls (in the literature of A.A.) how he was in a hotel and wanted to drink------ and instead, made a call. To meet with another suffering alcoholic. It took away the desire to drink.

A.A. tells newcomers ------- "read the A.A. Big Book. It says that when all else fails-----help another alcoholic."

Certainly not a matter of "oh well, this is too much. Might as well drink. Too many triggers are working on me. I shoulda worked on those triggers, but didn't."

No------ even if you didn't work on 'those triggers'--------NOTHING CAN GET YOU DRUNK.
Nothing.

"April, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

When we're involved with an alcoholic, we can get to thinking that there is maybe "something wrong with us" when we feel that we can't take it anymore.

We subconsciously feel like we should be like that new trash bag that is advertised on tv now------- the one that stretches and stretches --- to way beyond what other trash bags have been able to do ------- to accomodate more and more garbage.

To be able to contain it.

And what a relief when the family member goes to her/his first Al-Anon meeting and hears, "living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us". Finally------someone 'gave us permission' to really know, deep inside, that it IS too much.

We who unconsciously live our lives thinking that we have to do do more and more......accomodate more and more of ANYTHING....even the nonsense.

"Why CAN'T I take it anymore?!", we worriedly ask others in family recovery.
"Because your bottom is being raised," we are told.

What used to be normal---------is no longer acceptable.

"March, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

Suggestions for the courts --

If you (or someone you know) works for the court system, and if you (or that person) has any "say" in what process will be followed -- when persons are arrested for drunk driving or other nonviolent alcohol-related offense------ please read this------

a. There is an out-of-print pamphlet that Hazelden published, years ago. It can still be bought on the internet, new or used. It's called "The alcoholic woman's mad mad world of denial and mind games". It is NOT "about woman alcoholics". It is 'about' an understandably frustrated husband who is married to a still-drinking alcoholic woman, who, after years of his begging her to get help----she goes "to a therapist".

She spends literally years 'looking into her root causes' for her alcoholic drinking.

She still drinks.

She gets sicker and sicker from her alcoholism.

Her husband again implores her to 'get help'.

She says to him, "what do you mean, 'get help'? I'm GETTING help." ...... i.e., "Get off my back".

b. What does this have to do with the court system?

When an arrested alcoholic person is in front of the judge, the court is literally, in the "catbird seat" --- it has "clout" -- leverage.
The court, at that time, is in a perfect place to be able to SUCCESSFULLY intervene------- to force the person to get real treatment.
To save that person's life and the sanity of that person's family.

Too often, the court, instead, refers the person to an evaluator who knows nothing about alcoholism.
Who SAYS, "oh, I know all about alcoholism". And who then refers the person to 'counseling' ---- one-on-one with a mental-health counselor who spends much time going into what may be "the root cause' of the alcoholic drinking.
Attendance at A.A. is seen as "a good idea"------but not as crucial.

The arrested person then goes to that counselor for the alloted weeks or months....and 99% of the time, still drinks during that time (maybe reduces the level of drinking before the sessions, so he does not 'appear drunk')........and then returns to the same ---or more often, a later, stage of alcoholism-------when "it's all over".

He then often tries to make sure that he's just not caught driving drunk again.
Or--------moves to another area where the laws are more lenient.
Or takes cabs to the bar.
Or nothing.

c. Mental-health counseling almost never works to get someone sober.

A.A.-oriented treatment centers know this.
They see their job as two-fold --
a. crack through the denial
b. get the alcoholic to daily A.A. meetings...and impart to them that they will likely die or go insane if they do not go to A.A. on a regular basis, when they leave treatment.

THIS is what works.

d. Once the alcoholic is in recovery, and his brain is starting to clear of toxins, a counselor can then play an invaluable role --

(1.) helping the recovering alcoholic to unearth and get rid of, resentments and fears that can unconsciously make him cut back on A.A. meetings, which often leads to relapse
(2.) help the recovering alcoholic and his or her family, to start to heal old issues--- especially when these are played-out patterns from childhood that infect the present family situation
(3.) If there are other psychiatric problems, in addition to the alcoholism -- help the recovering person discover and face them, so that his or her chances to stay sober without relapse, greatly increase.

Please print this out and give copies to persons who may be in positions to make a difference.

February, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

Irrational-Guilt tapes
+ societal expectations
+ "sense of family"
+ loneliness
What a mix!

It's not only our old, old patterns that make us sitting-ducks for giving-in to expectations of persons who are not good for us. It's also the above mix ------
a. old tapes that we heard consciously or unconsciously, growing up.....all the 'shoulds' that we take to heart....... that don't do really any damage when the family is like "Leave it to Beaver" re-runs on tv.
b societal expectations-------that are really based on MAJOR denial about what is going on in almost half of families
c. our longing for a "sense of family"-------when many of us were just about (figuratively) "raised by wolves"
d. and the one that we are often not aware of---------but that nags at us from the edge ----- the loneliness we sense we'll feel if we let-go of the only "blood" relatives (or in-laws) that we have........no matter if they are drunk // nasty // not good for us.

So-------what do we often do?

Certainly not think it through before we return that phone call! And then------- we're 'back in it' again....... and if we extricate, again....... that pulling-on-us-irrational-guilt kicks in again.......... and we add to that-------kicking ourselves for 'giving in'. For, if WE don't add guilt to ourselves---------surely those on the other end, will do so! Many of them miss our involvement in their Excited Misery!

Below is a link to the excerpted chapter called, "Excited Misery Keeps Us Attached to the Alcoholic" (from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book)..this link leads to a page on another section on this website, that is titled "DOZENS of GTS excerpted book chapters."

http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/gts4.html

"January, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books

There are so many of us who were abused as children, who find it very difficult to find an inner permission to do what is good for us.
We get scared to even think that what is going on, is really going on -- when there is abuse, again, in the present time. It makes us feel scared, guilty -- for even thinking it is so.
We who have been so abused-------we so often unconsciously get afraid that we will be Divinely punished for "telling on them".
For even thinking it.
And in that same vein, we get afraid of trusting our guts, at times.
It seems so frightening ------- to not only see what we see-------but to admit it, if only to ourselves.
It's like, "do I dare even say to myself that it is going on?"

We don't have to get courage to trust ourselves ----- we can just remind ourselves that our Higher Power gave us that gut-instinct......... all we need to know is that the gut-reaction to abuse is a God-given reaction.
And no one need be reminded that we can trust a reaction that is God-given.