"January, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

One of the most difficult issues for the recovering alcoholic to deal with is 'ego deflation at depth'.
The problem often begins by the alcoholic not even seeing or understanding------- the profound damage that has been, and is, done to himself-----much less his family and others----- by the self-centeredness that is brought on and magnified for years, by the active alcoholism.
This ego-centricity has been hard-wired into the brain, and does not go away easily or swiftly.
It takes consistent great effort, for years, to lessen and rid oneself of it ------- and as the A.A. Big Book says, 'trying to do "God's Will often feels like bending forged steel".

Many recovering alcoholics can posture ... do a good job presenting themselves as if they 'have it down' clearly.
But the hard work is a quiet work ------ it requires digging very deeply...... really looking inside oneself at the nooks and crannies of life's daily activities -----and seeing where one puts one's own desire to feel 'puffed up' over the needs of the others in the family.

How to know if the self-centeredness is still going on?  How to know if the family's needs are still not being considered first?
Just look at the family's faces.

If one is sober for several years......and if the spouse is still looking pretty angry...... it's probably true that not much has changed in the alcoholic's behavior....... not much other than a "lot of talk about A.A. and how it's changed his life"....... not how it's changed his behavior towards others.

Dr. Tiebout (a psychiatrist and early friend of Bill W. and Dr. Bob, the two co-founders of A.A.) was often called upon by them to talk about how exactly alcoholics could continue to stay sober.

Dr. Tiebout regularly talked about the need for the alcoholic to experience "ego deflation at depth"......and how if the alcoholic did not get rid of that self-centeredness, he was always in danger of drinking again.

So, in a profound way--------- learning how to consistently nurture the family------consistently thinking of how to put their emotional and comfort needs first--------i.e.,  learning how to INTERNALIZE the phrase that "what's good for the family is good for the alcoholic" -------- is critical to ensure lasting sobriety for the alcoholic.